Discotheque

That was a long queue; my friend shook my shoulders and yelled at me for eating up an hour to get ready. It was freezing out there; my other two friends joined him and accused me. When the woolen jackets and the thermal wears were facing their toughest task ever, my plain black T shirt inside a not so heavy sweater increased their anger exponentially. I never felt too much cold for reasons I don’t know.

 Forget it guys, we are here at least, and we will enter in few minutes, or after all this is not the last day of our lives. Calm down, I said and started looking at the ‘beauties’ of the nature. It was so lively; the crowd started roaring from outside when the 10 dB of black eyed peas’ ‘Tonight’s gonna be a good good night’ leaked out of the arena which of course added fuel to the flame.

Queue started moving gently, and we were getting closer to the most happening spot. Our turn was about to come and guys looked nervous. The last thing they could hear was to wait for some more time from the securities in the minus 20 degrees killer weather. Finally things went their way and they got in but I could not. I did not carry my passport to prove that I’m above 18 in spite of being told by my friends, the regular visitors of this place. The security guy did not allow me in. Damn it, I’m 24, do I look like someone who is below 18? I cut the damn it part and asked the 7 ft tall wrestler like security head. Policy sir, pardon me was his answer on the manliest tone one would have ever heard.

Okay guys you carry on, anyways I’m not very interested, I would go home I said. Before I even completed my sentence one of my friend was already in. I was about to start, suddenly the humongous security came to me and said it is ok sir, get in. Dude, you are Jesus Christ; I said and joined the other two.

Out of nowhere, a lady caught my hand and tied a Rakhi like band. Rakhi? Will I ever grow; I laughed at myself the moment that thought crossed my mind. I started feeling something else, the fragrance, how could someone explain it? Hmmm it must be kinda mix of strawberry essence, some sprays of Elizabeth Arden on the pretty chick showing her hand next to me for her Rakhi, added with few over flown Coronas and split lemonades somewhere nearby and some very costly air freshener which for sure must be the smell of heaven if it even exists.  The sweetness soothed into every two atoms of Oxygen. I got carried away.

So there I was in a discotheque arena for the very first time of my life. May be I should be ashamed as having born and brought up in a Metro Politian city like Chennai, having studied engineering there, having worked in one of the most happening places on earth Bangalore, I have never been to a discotheque.  My principles, ‘rotten’ principles as my close friend call them, did not let me to be a part of these places all those days. Now things have changed, the new place and the anxiety to explore few new things overrode the principles under some principles.

There they are dancing for some song that I hardly heard any lyrics. It was too loud. The Bass levels were terrible and the Treble levels were just out of audibility. It must be ‘Bose’ I told the one next to me. Aah damn your acoustic research, enjoy the beats mean, nodded his head for the rhythm. Not bad not bad. Situation started getting on to me.  Everyone started dancing as if something went into their clothes.

Our guys started some heavy movements to grasp the attention of four desi babes that looked at us once in a while. At the other side, the competition was heavier, local Canadian groups, a French speaking group, few Chinese and some guys from Middle East danced like hell to get applause from the diversified lot.  Our guys were busy impressing the babes. I was like a lost child in the middle. I could not dance, last time when I danced in front a mirror I almost lost my own respect. So I had to be stubborn to escape shame which I did, accompanied myself with a drink and took the best view to watch all these dramas.

Couple of hours later, I felt I could not bear the beats anymore, heart started pumping vigorously and 70 would have easily risen up to 140. Head was banging and I realized I could not stand there for one more minute. The most courageous or shameless of the three not sure how to categorize, asked those girls for a dance but could not get through. Poor fellas lets start before the bouncers throw us out, I called them and we started from the place. In a totally unconvinced irritated tone told them don’t you guys ever call me here again; we reached home at 3 in the morning. Way back home I wondered what’s in this? What on earth makes these guys die for this? It sucks!!

One week later, it was 10 in the night and I was alone waiting at the bus stop to go to Ottawa downtown wearing the newly bought Black casual Jacket.  I did not notice how my Passport got into it and how my legs were rehearsing the steps I learnt over the last 7 days.

It is Saturday in Chennai today; it has been more than a year and half since I became shameless and all I could say today is ‘Discotheques in Chennai are not that good’.

Cheers!!!

Venom of an artifact

Series of difficulties of an under prepared mind that was occupied by the desire to get things done before doing.  Destiny was questioned time and again and the joyous of days are mourned by scary visionless future-less reality. After all, the boundaries are meant to be broken, when they stand still, the future stops and spits!!

That was the state of mind for all these 90 days, the difference between the last two blogs. Some precious moments, the only tears of the last two decade on the 2^nd of April, the first model of the dream home, the few family outings were indeed special. But, most part of the time it was reality succumbed to frustrations. Fight for the understanding of what the future holds all over again. How true the wannabe factor just conquers the unique you and leaves you somewhere you do not belong. 

This is not something new that nobody has came across, nothing new that I did not capture in my writings so far. This is a cumulative effect of everything, the resultant of frustrations, the outcome of obnoxiousness and the parent of all disasters in the making. The remedy is just not simple and the key is yet to be invented. I just couldn’t resist myself from writing this now, hoping for a medicine to my growing common disease, Greed, the reason for all these happenings.

It all started before 7 years, I was on my third year of engineering, a raw, average built, healthy body and an uncluttered unused mind sitting on my class room watching mates introducing themselves to the new lecturer, introducing with their goals in life. If there was one place on earth where the word mischievous was living, it was in my classroom. The intention was to make the class laugh especially the two pretty chicks for almost every guy.

Few poor jokes, few average jokes were driving the excitement until the most serious person of the class stood up and said ‘I want to be a doctor madam’ on a serious note. (of course we named him doctor after that). Damn, he made those two chicks laugh, laugh at the top of their voice, well, I have heard that when a serious person smiles, it means a lot. He pulled a rabbit out of his hat. Oh well, leave it Ganesh your turn is on the way, don’t you try something smart and spoil your reputation, he has already done it and you just can’t override the humor now, it’s all done, I told myself.

 Tell something, you must have a goal, tell that. After all everyone has one. Tell yours. My turn has come; I’m still setting my goal. Hmmm, well, business, software engineer, movie making, acting or even teaching what not? I like all these trades so what to select? hmmm, the whole class is watching, there should be an answer, come on, what’s your goal? Yes, business, heroes generally do business, I said business. What business? now the next question, well, what, textiles, plastic molding (something that my dad does), no no restaurants I love eating and have a good taste, oh no that’s boring, I will start a music troop, I will learn music from tomorrow, may be they will laugh if I say this, now tell them something and sit, the entire class is looking at you. I called my dad’s business for rescue.

That incident got registered in mind; I very well knew that I couldn’t do plastic molding. I know my future is not that, so then what is it? Now I don’t have to answer anybody, there isn’t a class starring at me, I could think what I really want, I have ample time though I couldn’t waste much of it thinking.

That’s the first time I started facing this brutal reality. May be I like so many things, maybe I have multiple goals to choose one from the lot, I have to select something that is sensible, I have to go with it the entire life. This is the future, this is the goal, this is everything I’m gonna see from now.

Like many other class mates, middle-class mates, I ended up choosing an engineer’s life, being a software engineer. The day greed identified me as a right person to live in. Greed catches anybody who decides what he is gonna do for the living, Greed catches people the moment they start to earn. Until then it doesn’t disturb you. Whatever my choice would have been, business or any damn thing, which would have still remained the day Greed acquired me.

Not sure how many felt this way, there were days when 10000 Rs looked like a real dream job in the market and I wanted to earn something around that. Often thought what will I do if I get that, what all I could do, well a color mobile, I could recharge for 1000 bucks a month, that’s awesome I could talk for long hours. I can watch movies on all weekends and be an out and out spendthrift and still save something. I was not so bad at mathematics, all these looked very possible and those days were not long ago, they are still wet.

The first salary was a lot more than what I dreamt of and yes I have every right to be the happiest man on earth rather I was not. My friends earned a K or 2 more and that was the first question greed posted on mind. Is he better than you? Well, this is not enough you must earn more, more and more. This is one factor if not the only one that demanded me to start working more, develop skills, prove something, have a vision and forced me to grow as day progressed.

The small seed has now grown up into trees, now I feel it is forcing me too much. It let me ask and expect too much of myself. It has convinced me so very much that I’m very capable of anything that lets my heart and soul work and wander, and wander and work and achieve what it demands somehow. Yes, somehow. The immediate next thing would be in the making and now I have to fight from the moment it gets ready.

More the number of people loves you, more the expectation the world has on you the more you will expect from yourself. Nowadays when I walk over the street when I see so many tall buildings I regret not being a business man. Leave that, when I see some peaceful people out there, I regret not getting into teaching, when I see the fame, money and living that a sportsperson or an artist gets I regret not choosing those fields.

The greed has now transformed into something else, it is coming up with many questions, is he that good to earn all these perks he has got in the society? Aren’t you capable of this if given a chance? Aren’t you a hard worker? Then is that fortune the only thing that decides an individual’s life or has my chance not yet arrived and I still have to wait but be ready?

I’m tired, I need peace, I just couldn’t expect anything more of myself and can’t let anybody expect anything of me. I’m greedy. My greed is developing day by day, when I see an Audi over the road, the greed is awake and starts to ask questions again. I’m sick, tired I need peace, and I don’t need this greed.

Oh no, wait, I don’t think I could I march anywhere leaving the greed aside. I think yes, I need that but at what levels, now I’m confused. I need that no I don’t, I’m very confused.

I don’t know how many of the people out there have this state of mind, this could be temporary, and a success next day could change things upside down. I still don’t get what this life is all about, what that drives us, where we wanna end up and what I should do, but one way I’m happy, my greediness is still honest. It hasn’t asked me any questions to think other ways to go and get all it demands at the cost of mistakes, it still forces things to happen being myself but with some extra bit of force that mind is not ready for at times.

When I see the greediness in the country I’m more confused. When I heard the spectrum issue I just couldn’t measure the threshold levels of the greediness of my countrymen. After all for a few thousand bucks many are staying away from their family. They pay taxes on their hard earned money and an individual’s greed is walloping the entire nation’s future, so many people’s today. I don’t understand what it is all about. At least now I have a reason to be proud of my greed for being gentle.

Wish we find the key soon, use the greed at some levels to leave a place when we are no more but definitely not at the cost of pushing too much and chasing the ‘no more’ anymore.

Have a great day folks. !!

Aaromaley – An interesting life!!

2 am, a so fresh Sunday morning or a sleepless Saturday night a few categorize, 4 more hours for Sunday morning cricket. I, right from my child hood have been a part of this Sunday cricket. Except for my close to two years stay away from Chennai this has been my routine. The restless week before demanded some afternoon rest that I couldn't sleep now. That’s fine; I have 4 hours and a reason to pen down the first blog of the year.

It is extremely hard to write or even think about something thing that is not actually on the mind. I have to win over my conscious and sub conscious together that has got completely occupied by a thought, a feel and a desire. This piece of writing will stay as something special as I do not know how this challenge will be to compete my mind with Will. Fingers crossed on the outcome. !!

Friday evening 7 15, almost the entire office was working. With a little surprise, I started packing my stuffs to catch the 7 30 shuttle.  Well, it is a weekend, what the hell you are still doing in front of this monitor I asked couple of my friends. They did not have any priority issues or not even a necessity to stay couple more hours to save India from the next economic crisis. Then why on earth you guys still here?? One replied, what will I do after going home? Let me stay. That’s fantastic; I started walking towards the bus depot. 

Slowly the bus seats started feeling heavy, the clutch got gently released. What am I doing tonight? May be a movie?? Oh no, I almost watched all the movies running, nothing is worth enough for second time then what else? Few more options and its pros and corns kept me busy for the next few minutes until I felt that bus was moving so slowly for a Friday evening.

The feel that I need to sit for 90 more minutes to reach home and do any damn plan I finalize frustrated me like hell. Just couple of seconds, I almost abused all the authorities behind this SEZ plans and their innovative ideas to screw our lives in all 5 directions by keeping all the offices a minimum 30km away from city. Okay close your eyes, the one next to me taught how to deal with these frustrations, wait a minute, not just him, the one behind me, the one beside him, in front of him, next to the one in front of him, everyone, almost everyone was sleeping.  Thank god at least the driver was awake!!!

Yes I come every single morning seeing them sleep and go home seeing them sleep. I asked one of my friends about his weekend plan, he said I will sleep. No activities? I asked him, he said, dude, it has been more than a half a dozen of years since I did some. I get very tired in the weekdays that I sleep all weekend and yes I might watch a movie or two he said with eyes wide open. That’s cool dude, at least you manage to go out and have some fun I said, at least this. He laughed and said I have a laptop why will I go out. He laughed again. That’s fantastic again. Not just him, for me he represented a bunch of people who exactly does what he has been doing.

I decided my very close Tea shop for this Friday night. This is my let out, my relaxation and one of my favorite places in the world. The person I met in the office was all over my mind that I kept wondering what is happiness according to him. How could he live with absolutely no special interests in life apart from work? Is he super passionate about the work he is doing that he lost interest in every other thing? Certainly not, I have heard him say that ‘damn it the work, it sucks’, then why? I kept thinking until my friend gave me a cup of Tea to break the silence.

We started discussing on the one I met; this person has my complete respect as he is the one among the lot I know who is passionately chasing his dreams. At least you are going for it mate, we have lost it in the way. Situations have invaded out passions very badly that lot of us doesn't really know what we are up to. Many of us don’t really remember what we wanted and what we are chasing. All we have is a comfortable today and an arguable better tomorrow that’s it. We lost our passion before we actually had one. Yes, 5 out of 10 want to become a cricketer, 3 in the movies and the rest doesn't have one to go behind. When many have no serious passion other than this, this clumsiness in achieving it is expected. Isn’t it? 

He said it has been 10 long years since I’m behind this, 10 years is too long for any dream to go for, I did not sacrifice anything for anyone which is guilty. It is too late to even think about changing anything now. Now I’m left with nothing but chasing it. I know I’m close to living it but the pain I’m coming across is nothing in front of whatever I’m gonna achieve. This is difficult.

True, maybe we have lost our passions in the mid way, maybe we have got the situations that ruined what we wanted to become, maybe we did not find the right path or guidance, maybe we might have achieved something big with a ‘if’ clause somewhere. But this doesn’t stop us from living our interest. Passion, we can leave it for now, but, interests?? Is it that complicated to live our interest? Do situations have to do anything about that? Can’t we get satisfied by at least living our own small interests? Why all of a sudden we let our laziness demand and command what we should be interested in?

I know few of my friends, who are excellent artists, many good singers, few exceptionally good dancers and some naturally talented athletes and cricketers, what happened to them the moment they started working? Is the artist, singer, dancer or athlete die when they get their first salary? Why aren’t we living our interests? Is somebody’s interest is just play stations? Isn’t that an interest controlled by laziness? Do we really do some activity that our heart and soul can together cherish it for some moment. Can’t we at least dedicate these weekends to live our very own interest?

Not sure how many Sundays we all still have, if we are lucky maybe a 1500 or may be a 100 or 200 more if you are luckier? Why is that they all going in vain? Aren’t we gonna regret on the very last weekend of our lives? Questions are plenty.

With these questions put in front of you all, I heard mom talking from her room, dint you sleep all night? I said yes mom I did, I just got up. Time is nearing 6. She is up to give me a cup of coffee and biscuits. She never lets me go with empty stomach. I remember telling her not to do a 1000 times, never succeeded. She does it again and again and again. Now I get to know that it’s her interest. She is winning over her laziness to go for her interest. Why should I stop? I would not from now.

I started feeling drowsy, I have two choices, go and sleep or go with my interest; I know what I will choose. If not for this I might have chose to sleep 4 hours ago. Yes, I’m living my little interests that are satisfying me and trying to find some meaning for my weekends. I now respect my interests; my beloved interests that are the only remedy for my lost passion whenever I think it is lost. Aaromaley.. !!

Wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day in advance. 

Between, the feel, the thought and the desire will remain a secret. That’s fantastic. !!!

Pride and Peace.

Not the cinematic experience rather nothing was felt when I saw the changes in the city through the window of the Red Scorpio. The new tall buildings, the widened roads, the fully functioning 'kathipara' flyover which was just stones and cement when I boarded my first flight and even the 5 inches waist improvement of my friend hardly had any impact on me. 

A question that probably did not made me feel excited about anything and that didn't give the usual 'my answers' to the questions of my buddies who waited at the airport for more than 4 hours. Thanks to the Belgium fog that made me realize the worth of friendship yet again. The thinking lasted for days until few hours ago and here I'm in front of the open office with an answer. So, what was eating my head? That’s the blog is about.

I felt like a blank piece of paper and a vacuum space was developing from deep inside when I finished all the packing for the morning flight and hit my bed for one last time. I did not get sleep; the soul was wandering somewhere that I had absolutely no control. I then stood at my balcony and saw the first snow for few minutes, then kept on staring at my laptop for some more time, nothing was getting me back. 5 more hours to leave Canada, the place that took wonderful care of me for nearly 19 months. I forced myself to sleep and only eyes did.

Here I'm in Chennai after around 2 days of this restless search of something finally reached which was once my den, my kingdom. Not just I, anybody who has born and brought up in a place have this very own feeling. I'm everything here. I was finally back, was I? Not really.

Nothing changed except my age, oh yes my hair style is not the same, so as my body mass but is there some useful thing that could really have any significant impact on the longer run of life? Nothing, absolutely nothing I concluded the moment I reached home from the airport, disappointed, I was expecting some magic that could turn the tide of my life and take me to the next level of the already happier life. After all one is not staying away from his caring family and friends just for the sake of money, there is something else we expect along with it and when you realize that you have got that, there is achievement. I was missing that.

More than a week of jetlag, and the tongue that was almost westernized was getting used to this very own yet new place. I was more disappointed that I could find my courage missing when I drove the bike at the streets, I was unusually careful that my friends laughed at. I wasn’t able to cross the busy roads in minutes that once I crossed in seconds. To my surprise I was obeying traffic rules here. Be an Indian when you are in India. Be fearless, be carefree, god is with you along with the thousands of share autos in the city. Find your courage else be your mom’s kid, I stayed home with frustration.

Hmmm, well I developed nothing and I have lost my very own Chennaite attitude. The Tea shop where I belonged so much, where one has to stand with all the presence of mind and sense of humor in the world to avoid any glimpses of teasing/humiliation from the not so educated yet the most entertaining ‘typical’ guys of the society welcomed my arrival. It’s been ages since someone did that to me, I was mouth shut and I had no pace to defend me or attack them with a counter. It was not just pulling my legs it was pushing me to the corners. Disappointment grew though I knew that these things are subject to change in a matter of time, I was afraid whether they will.

The parent frustration that I have learnt nothing and the child frustrations that I have lost many simple yet essential things made me feel heavy, heavy that I couldn’t add anymore frustration even if I wish.

With all these questions challenging the intention behind my vacation, I heard someone knocking the door. The HP printer come scanner I ordered in the morning was in for delivery. I didn’t know something else was to be delivered along with it.

There entered a sweating man in formal attire trying to explain the features of the printer and its rocket science mechanism. Yes, he was just trying. He was yet another person who honestly believed from his whole heart that only English can fetch him respect. He did not even bother to talk in the local language even when I talked in it few times. May be not his fault, the management might have this funda of attracting customers with English. Not anything against English, as I’m writing this blog I should not say that.

A little deviated from the intended content of the blog, but it has become a must touch somewhere in my writings to register my protest against this rapidly growing unpleasant communicators. You talk in Tamil or Hindi or English or even in Mandarin as long as you can convey what you want to. No language is good enough to seek you the things you want, communication is just communication and definitely not self respect. I will stop it here, the next few lines are unwritten, probably few will see them, may be someone will even hear or listen.

The person kinda finished explaining the stuffs and I have almost forgotten why he is even here by then. I offered him a coffee then and had a conversation that I always do when I have a coffee in hand, anything to drink for that matter.

Dude, it’s boiling outside, how do you manage with a formal fully buttoned shirt, omg, tie as well and this mirror like shoes, don’t you feel pissed off? I couldn’t imagine myself in your shoes just for a minute, how do you manage? Yes, finally he settled down a bit and started talking sorry communicating. Finally!!

Yes sir, it is difficult. I have to attend around 10 places for 10 different products a day and I have a two wheeler to travel. Yes, it is difficult to drive when it is this hot, but I have to do this, it’s my job. Like any other individual I was interested in knowing his salary, not to embarrass him for any reason, just my interest towards where my society is did not let me to stop asking that. He said 7000 plus petrol allowances.

I said in mind, dude, how do you afford a girl friend? City has become so costly that we earn in rupees and spend in dollars as one of my friend said. True, it is difficult or impossible to run a life that could satisfy the primary essential needs of a family with what he is getting.

I couldn’t come out of it for sometime, a degree holder driving 100s of kilometers a day under red hot sun with all the things in the world to frustrate him and somehow should manage, deal and try to communicate with customers under his company’s communication norms. I wished I was in a position to offer him a job that moment like we see in movies. He finished his coffee and started wearing his socks, dude, forget your shoes, I can’t imagine myself being in your socks for a moment, again I said in mind. I thanked god that moment that may be I’m not in a position to help him out but at least I could feel sorry for him.

Not just him, the society has so many people that we generally do not notice.  I’m not listing the number of people who are under our levels and compare our lives with them. After all this isn't a thing that happened to us overnight. Yes, we are the reasons for what we are; there are some blessings, some level of hard work, some talent, some faith and some sacrifices and some unknown thing behind every person who is successful.

Success, it is always a relative term and here in this case many of us are successful that has plenty of reasons behind. But, I definitely have no reason to carry my frustrations any further beyond this point. When I always have this search of something, a need to learn things everywhere when will I enjoy my present state, my current success, who will celebrate my self pride and when will I be in peace?

It’s in us, within us, we must enjoy our pride and be in peace. But, mind it very carefully that you are very close to the over confident reckless state, still I recommend to take the risk to walk on this wall, a wall that is made of pride and peace. I felt it, he made me feel it.

I felt like I’m out of my worries all of a sudden and searched for my bike key. Dad from his room, Ganesh, your bike brake is not functioning, don’t take it, I said I will manage dad, not to worry. I’m on the roads now with thorough courage and entered the tea shop. Ten minutes from then, two of my friends said, Damn it, he is back. Am I? This time, yes I’m.

Thanks for your time folks. Advance merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Redemption…

Blog 6, this number was the initial target I had in mind when I started blogging 6 months back. I very well knew what I’m goanna write now right from the time I started to share things here. I’m pretty bad at following a routine and there are quite a bit of instances that happened, not this time. I managed to come here, thanks to people for the motivation. 

Sep 4^th 2010. I’m now a 25 year old. If I traverse all the way back and forth and check out the highlights, lowlights and insights of my not so many years lived yet lived, not so detailed yet briefed, not so challenged yet motivated, no so achieved yet competed, not so impressive yet interesting life I should say I’m some what happy. Now, I’m walking through my days of the so called ordinary life that might not interest the readers but still a personal choice that was chosen months ago I have to go with it.

Now why ordinary? What is an ordinary life? Why I repeatedly use this word ordinary? What is ordinary?

I as many others believe in God, I go to him when I want something and abuse him when I don’t get that. I even doubted his existence many a times, when the power turned off at the crucial moment of few cricket matches, when I got rejected in a technical interview, when I flunked in one of my well written exam, when I got suspended, when few things that are now good but not when it happened and in many other occasions I doubted his existence. But end of the day I always had the belief in super natural power and depended way too much on that. Does that make me ordinary? Yeah, kind of, but not really!

The two siblings of ordinary Mr. Very Ordinary and Mr. Extra Ordinary are clear, the threshold for these levels is visible, but this, the hero ordinary, what is the factor that determines it? Not just me, most of my friends, family and my fellow Indians remain ordinary. Perhaps, we prefer to be ordinary all the time. What keeps us to be happy about living an ordinary life? Enough of puzzling, let us together figure it out right now, right here, we need some one’s life to mark few points and connect them to see how an ordinary life looks, let it be mine, a perfect ordinary.

Years ago, I was too young to remember the exact year; I stole a pack of bread from a shop. Like many scoundrels the country has seen, I also began (I never followed) it with a pack of bread, not for the same reason, but I don’t know why I did that. Not an immediate reaction, in some time, after many days I remembered that, something reminded me that. The stories that the eyes will be snatched by the almighty when people get into immoral activates scared me like hell. It pushed me to the corners with Guilt. Regardless to say you are afraid only when you are guilty. I was guilt and I couldn’t come out of it. It took me many days to forget that, the more the TV channels showed about thieves, the more I went to ashrams and temples that taught us what are good and what not, I was thrown to the dead ends of being guilty. I started praying God many times, so many hours a day to get me out of it. I lost my little peace for so many days.

I grew up a little, I was out of that guilt, and started being guilty for being guilty for a damn pack of bread. Anyways that was not longer, I had another immediate reason to fall into bigger guilt. I cut my school went to a movie with my friend when I was 11 year old. I wanted to tell my parents about it,  felt like a piece of shit, festivals were no more fun and every time I went to theater with my family I didn’t enjoy. I was guilt as well as afraid that my father will kill me when he comes to know, I finally managed to come out of that too. But I again lost my little peace for a brief time.

People, who have never been guilty, can’t really understand what that the above lines mean. May be there won’t be many who don’t understand, probably there won’t be any who had never been guilty.

Whenever I get myself out of guilt, I had the next reason waiting. Older I became, heavier the incidents to push me into guilt. It doesn’t really mean when you are guilt you don’t enjoy, you don’t indulge yourself into happiness or fun. Things would go very normally as easy as it goes in a guilt free life when people are around; things would start to hurt when you are alone, only when you are alone. The time that is really important for anybody for the transformation of an ordinary being to an extra ordinary usually get so much occupied with this guilty consciousness.

This is not the right place for those bigger reasons or even a place to share them all and start confessing, after all the intention is not to say the world that my life is transparent. Everybody should be ashamed of their negatives, so do I. I exactly know how it sounds in a hi-tech life that we live now, if I say I was guilt for no reasons. PS3s, iPhones and Laptops certainly changed our lives a lot, but now the point is one might not get Guilty for the same reason. There are plenty of different reasons and I could still say many of us, we ordinaries are guilty. In other words, we are ordinary because we are guilty for one reason or the other.

The beginning of an extra ordinary is being happy with what you are, finding the peace all the time, and understanding, analyzing and knowing you completely and still falling in love with thyself. That doesn’t really end, now this is just the beginning. Yeah, I’m ready to begin my extra ordinary life but what will I do to my existing guilts? If you have a question, the coming magical words did wonders for me. ‘I did it because I wanted it. Now it is not right and I’m not doing it anymore’.

Next, coming to what is called as the known problem, what that defines we are, a vital knot which would even cost our lives even if we think about touching with aggression. That is being a citizen, patriotism and things related to Geography. Yet another place where we remain ordinary since 1947; I understand we were Very ordinary before that. As long as I talk only about my rights and forget my duties I remain an ordinary. I’m not very bothered if the politicians for whom I voted corrupt my country. If I read something about them in the newspapers, if I get to know they have looted my countries wealth I don’t even react. But I get over excited, over patriotic when a cricketer gets caught in match fixing. My patriotism and my care about the society are just associated with cricket so I remain an ordinary. I represent my society, a society full of ordinaries.

I don’t have the courage to change the evil which is not shameful but I fail to even think about it which is, which is an attribute of an ordinary. May be my guilt, the things that made me feel inferior about myself is a reason for that, something that has convinced even myself that I could do nothing. I could do nothing because I’m an ordinary.

All the ones who did so many good things for the needy are ordinary if they had a reason to do that. There are so many ways of getting out of one’s guilt and doing good things is one such way. If you try to find peace with what you do you are ordinary. If you live for a smaller circle you are ordinary.

Every person is given a list of options to decide your life by the almighty. They altogether form the same number for any human being and the choice is left to you. With whatever brain you have you select the features of your life and bring that number when you are born. There are no regrets here, you live what you wanted. For the atheists out there, the theory is simple. Refine your everyday thinking, father of Physics called it science. You will end up finding peace, happiness and everything else you want.

Yes, I always liked something or the other feature from someone, few are good looking, few are brilliant, few are both and few appear excellent all the time. But if I think about living some one else’s life, if I still get a chance to add more features I could see none. No one’s life has impressed me so much that I would love living theirs. I can easily be happy being myself and only be happy being myself. So be it any theory, atheism or godliness I live what I opted, I opted what I really wanted. I have no big complaints except that my nose could have been little smaller. And no big unachievable wishes except that my laziness vanishes off all of a sudden.

So living in peace, getting out of your guilts, being a citizen (again it is a geographical term, I would say a citizen is one who is good to all), understanding my duties, not that I can change the society in no time as all our Action hero does, but contribute something that could impact significantly are the actions that can carry an ordinary to the path of an Extra ordinary. The walk towards next level, is that enough to live as an extra ordinary? Not enough. But this is will certainly take you close to the destination.

We ordinaries become extra ordinary when it comes to challenges. Many have done miracles when challenged, but we failed to understand that the biggest challenge that we are facing is being happy with what we have, being what we are. Many of them already lost this without knowing that they have been challenged and many of us are still losing this challenge every single day.

These 25 years, I’m now sick of an ordinary life. I now need a redesign; I now don’t ask the super powers to take me out of my guilt, to make me extra ordinary. I’m challenged but provided with enough weapons to win this challenge, win this war. The redemption is over, now the next phase of life starts, the challenge to be an extra ordinary individual and an extra ordinary citizen is on. 

Living is what you live when you are no more, the challenge is accepted. Unfortunately nobody is prefect, but fortunately any body can be extra ordinary. I want to be an extra ordinary and represent a society of extra ordinaries with enormous proud.

Now the tales of an extra ordinary begins. The stage is set, the show begins….

Thanks for your time folks, Have an extra ordinary day.

The Maple leaf

It really took some time to finalize what to write this time, never that thought crossed my mind, I write what I feel like writing, as long as I inhale something called satisfaction I do it with all guns blazing. Couple of mails from unknown friends about the posts, few appreciations and few criticisms made me responsible.

But the thoughts did not help much, every neuron said I'm perfectly unfit to write something which I'm not 100% sure about that too when I'm running a busy schedule. So I again ended up choosing a topic about myself and things I have gone through. After all these are 'Tales of an ordinary'. A continuation of my blog one, this time it is Canada.

As I already mentioned 'the way' I started from India I can skip my personal heroics here, straight into the scenes, over to Toronto immigration center.

Oops, I have 4 damn hours left to get my flight to the capital city, my way too tried body was demanding some rest, the eyes that were slightly wet at the start of the journey almost a day before was screaming from inside that I have rubbed it more than it could withstand. Every blink took twice as much time it would normally take, I was standing in the queue, waiting for the immigration to go smooth. After convincing the immigration officer that I'm the only one on earth who can do this particular job I got things cleared and moved out of the room.

I then reached my destination. It was exactly opposite to what I have imagined about a foreign land, it was not smooth, my initial days were wonderfully frustrating. I was asked to stay in a motel located at a highway for a week as none of the colleagues' room were vacant by then. It was disappointing and scary as it exactly resembled the one that comes in Psycho movie. I had to push my initial days there with utmost no interest.

Week 2 was more painful, days I have seen black rice, ran hundreds of time to calm down the fire alarms, slept without food, felt lonely, confusions and every possible thing that can irritate and scare a new comer. Regardless of my personal situation to stay, I really wanted some force to take me back to my den for good. Jet lag, no one to chit chat in the only language in which I have some sense of humor, no television, summer are reasons for worth.

It's really funny if I imagine the days I roamed around the city with cameras, uploaded photos of all permutations and combinations of all the places and people in the social networking sites. Crazy like kid to explore new places, Niagara, Toronto, 1000 islands and Montreal quenched the thirst of the mind that was pre conceived with nothing like them. Yes, they are visual delights, they are wonderful and they will remain wonderful. Niagara is a must watch for anyone who visit Canada or U.S.

When compared with the attitude and behavior of what that describes me of a personal I was surprised to see myself being anti social. Shameful that I was having the shades of a racist that I did not have the same interest to go and start even a companionship with the non Tamil speaking lot. Even now I'm wondering how one such thing happened? No answers yet, but as long as I know that I'm alright now, I should not bother much, ain't I?

Am I always magnifying only things that were unpleasant, what I missed and how I recovered or how to recover? I have had some best time here, some very special moments, many friends, some non Tamil speaking friends and have been working in a place that has excellent worth ethics and culture. Why do not I share them? why not?

The excitement started exactly a year ago when I was asked to extend my stay for one more year, the initial 6 months for what I have actually come here made me multiply whatever I spent by 45 though I have spent decent amount of money I always doubted that I'm over spending. The extension just broke that shell out, held my balance perfect, the moment you do not really calculate what you do, you will automatically become happy. The well being started.

Next is the arrival of new comers, new people from Bangalore, Chennai, Delhi, Mumbai, Pune added the flavors and colors to life. Fortunately many happened to be my favorites. This part where we all had and still having numerous potlucks (food cooked and shared by all), cooking together, big bunch of people going for movies on Tuesdays(day we have some reductions on ticket price), tooneys, birthday celebrations, night outs, Friday night guys party, discotheques, pubs and restaurants has never really made me go near boredom. Days passed by faster than it actually should have. Probably the quickest one year of my life so far though I keep saying it every year.

Life is different here, it is not like what we live in India, here people get close to each other in no time. Share things in no time, ready to have fun always, as many has no real work pressure or never realized the work pressure here because they have worked in India, people are ready to have fun always, party always and go the extra bit to reach the saturation of what is called fun. Even when there is a tinge of pain somewhere we had reasons to party it and celebrate that too. Mostly they are called 'farewells'.

The stay so far is pleasant, it is fresh, it keeps me cool and calm. Unlike what we, every Indian have assertions about western countries, the importance they give for relationships, about divorces, nothing is true. People are well disciplined, very friendly, down to earth and when it comes to relationships, love and family people are exactly like how we are.

Finally, about the climate, Canada has spring/summer - It is exactly what you see in India, temperature would be in the mid 30s, but the bright green colors you see all over the place will relax you a little and give chillness at least to the eyes. Fall/autumn - The most beautiful season and you can't believe what you are seeing, no body who has seen this season would have failed to appreciate the nature, it is mind blowing. Then comes the mighty winter - The temperature will go up to mid minus 30s rarely 40s. Many here hate this season (not me). The entire country will turn white, have seen 35 cm of snow all over the street last year, have to wear thermals, jackets and gloves to sustain. Around 5 months you will look heavier with all these extra fits which is what I don't like about. Winter sports are fantastic. Skiing is enjoyable.

Canada is special for many reasons. So many things made me wonder about it, many things make Canada special and I would rate maple leaves at the top. They somehow make Canada look complete, the Canadian flag look complete, the streets look complete and symmetrically designed leaves make me have the instincts that there is something special with it whenever I see them, touch them, it doesn't matter if they are not.

More often when you appreciate something it is considered as you are appreciating something over the other. If at all one such thought arise I just want to make a point clear, nothing like my motherland, not just me but the entire world.

It looks like I will be leaving this fascinating place soon which means I will be seeing India soon which means I don't have to answer 'Hi, how are you, how is Canada' messages anymore. It is going to be a mixed feeling. But end of the day I know I will be happy. !!

Thanks for your time.

Happy Independence day in advance friends. Jai Hind.

Bangalore

An interesting phase rather a very important phase of my life started here. Certain things you won’t value when you have it, the moment you get away from it you will realize what you have missed. I dedicate this blog to one of the most beautiful cities 'Bangalore'.


After all the mandatory struggles one should face to get a job if he happened to study in a college that has no campus interviews, I got placed into a small company in Chennai which belongs to the research group of IIT Madras. Neither had I thought that I'm not a part of these big MNCs nor my parents bothered. Life started with extra ordinary dreams, with a vision of doing masters at the top research institute one day.

Days went smooth, I learned new stuffs at work, some golden opportunities to work with some real professionals, Java became heart beats, GUIs were like paintings and coding was cricketing. Days that went along wonderfully with hot pack lunch, long hour phone talks, cricket, carom and beaches in the weekend, first day movie shows, night outs, G2Gs and what else? There wasn't much difference to my college days except that I had more money to spend, magical it was for a little more than a year until the day I decided to quit the work.

The reasons were plenty, I shall not picture myself as a strong decision maker, when I wanted to quit I still wanted to continue. Reasons again were plenty but the end of the day I quit, I then belonged to Bangalore, one of the proudest companies for any parents took me in.

Like one out of two engineers in India I started my journey to Bangalore. Never got time to realize what I was doing, what I was going to miss, before I thought I should move I was already in Bangalore.

Day 1, when I know that all I had here so far will be available only once in a while, that too for a short period, no rough ideas on when I will be back here again permanently was running all over my mind all through the bus travel. I told myself that I'm not going to stay in Bangalore a day more than a year.

Bangalore, everything I saw was not new but strange. I was not born with sliver spoons, but my spoons were always clean and I got them whenever I was in need of them. I always had some one to help me out; mostly it was mom and dad. In fact I never was in need of something; they never let me ask for something. Probably the only guy who DID not know ironing, self shaving, washing his own clothes and the list had so many add-ons.

College mate and a close friend, his friends and their friends took good care and the arrangements were just perfect to get through the initial days. I joined the new company and work was to begin the next week, with absolutely no work at office, days looked longer than they actually were.

I then traveled Chennai every week; rain or shine I was in Chennai during weekends. Though the 831UDs were not doing justice to the money they charged, dad booked the tickets in the so called only affordable comfortable bus every week and I made sure that I reached Chennai before the logical end of Friday every single time.

One funny weekend, I wasn't able to travel Chennai due to the political issues between Karnataka and TamilNadu regarding Hogenakkal, I had to wash my clothes on my own to sustain the next week. I started washing at 7 in the evening with the guidance of mom over phone, when I finished it was 11, damn the politics. Hilarious it is today!!!

Days passed by, I was no more a new entry to the place, had to adjust the language, slang, people, food and work in no time. I was slow, I cursed myself for one such decision to move out of Chennai and I was fighting with the reality defending myself and my inabilities all the time.

Slowly, it wasn't forced, I, my body, mind everything started accepting these changes, I then traveled Chennai once in two weeks and spent every other week with the new friends around. I explored Forum, BTM, multiplexes, PVRs and so many other places, started liking the place day by day. Hmmm, pretty good chicks too, Bangalore is not that bad, I changed my perception. Traveling got reduced further.

Bangalore then started to teach me few things without my knowledge, started changing me with some pace, personally it taught me how to manage myself, how to be on my own, people handling, health consciousness, affection and more importantly sharing. It was not even an imagination that I will share my room with some X, my rest room with some Y. I very well knew that staying alone was the only option left for me. With the compulsion of few good men around I extended my stay with them for a while then I did find it interesting and fun. I continued.

It created a space for myself, gave me the silence and time needed to think and act on my own, made me realize my responsibilities, the phase that showered the importance of patience, the place that clearly spotted what I'm and what I should be. It tried to change the boy in me to the man my family wanted. Bangalore became responsible for certain changes which I always had assumptions that I'm born with.

Change is something that happens to both your mind and body, that triggers something on both your dead and living cells, something that your carbon di oxide should tell this outside world what it felt inside. Just the feeling to change is not change. Change is not a feeling, it is reality, it doesn't happen without a reason, without a force or without a desire.

I believe that every person must be alone sometime in his life, when you study or when you work doesn't really matter, every person should stay away from all the protection and warmth of his family for a brief time, to discover himself, to understand what a family is, what relationships mean to us, the unknown sacrifices of your loved ones for your happiness, for your painless life and to understand the unconditional love what that have made you love yourself.

Bangalore, as I said I did not stay a day more than a year. Professionally it is responsible for some significant learnings, provided considerable technical challenges and an opportunity to travel and explore the world. The learning phase has not end, I could see that I learn things in detail here in this part of the world, the fundamentals what Bangalore taught was very firm to understand any lesson. I let myself get along with this learning phase as long as I enjoy learning. I owe you so much Bangalore, I now wish to stay more, but not a day more than a year, my Chennai is already missing me!!!

Cheers!!!