Venom of an artifact

Series of difficulties of an under prepared mind that was occupied by the desire to get things done before doing.  Destiny was questioned time and again and the joyous of days are mourned by scary visionless future-less reality. After all, the boundaries are meant to be broken, when they stand still, the future stops and spits!!

That was the state of mind for all these 90 days, the difference between the last two blogs. Some precious moments, the only tears of the last two decade on the 2^nd of April, the first model of the dream home, the few family outings were indeed special. But, most part of the time it was reality succumbed to frustrations. Fight for the understanding of what the future holds all over again. How true the wannabe factor just conquers the unique you and leaves you somewhere you do not belong. 

This is not something new that nobody has came across, nothing new that I did not capture in my writings so far. This is a cumulative effect of everything, the resultant of frustrations, the outcome of obnoxiousness and the parent of all disasters in the making. The remedy is just not simple and the key is yet to be invented. I just couldn’t resist myself from writing this now, hoping for a medicine to my growing common disease, Greed, the reason for all these happenings.

It all started before 7 years, I was on my third year of engineering, a raw, average built, healthy body and an uncluttered unused mind sitting on my class room watching mates introducing themselves to the new lecturer, introducing with their goals in life. If there was one place on earth where the word mischievous was living, it was in my classroom. The intention was to make the class laugh especially the two pretty chicks for almost every guy.

Few poor jokes, few average jokes were driving the excitement until the most serious person of the class stood up and said ‘I want to be a doctor madam’ on a serious note. (of course we named him doctor after that). Damn, he made those two chicks laugh, laugh at the top of their voice, well, I have heard that when a serious person smiles, it means a lot. He pulled a rabbit out of his hat. Oh well, leave it Ganesh your turn is on the way, don’t you try something smart and spoil your reputation, he has already done it and you just can’t override the humor now, it’s all done, I told myself.

 Tell something, you must have a goal, tell that. After all everyone has one. Tell yours. My turn has come; I’m still setting my goal. Hmmm, well, business, software engineer, movie making, acting or even teaching what not? I like all these trades so what to select? hmmm, the whole class is watching, there should be an answer, come on, what’s your goal? Yes, business, heroes generally do business, I said business. What business? now the next question, well, what, textiles, plastic molding (something that my dad does), no no restaurants I love eating and have a good taste, oh no that’s boring, I will start a music troop, I will learn music from tomorrow, may be they will laugh if I say this, now tell them something and sit, the entire class is looking at you. I called my dad’s business for rescue.

That incident got registered in mind; I very well knew that I couldn’t do plastic molding. I know my future is not that, so then what is it? Now I don’t have to answer anybody, there isn’t a class starring at me, I could think what I really want, I have ample time though I couldn’t waste much of it thinking.

That’s the first time I started facing this brutal reality. May be I like so many things, maybe I have multiple goals to choose one from the lot, I have to select something that is sensible, I have to go with it the entire life. This is the future, this is the goal, this is everything I’m gonna see from now.

Like many other class mates, middle-class mates, I ended up choosing an engineer’s life, being a software engineer. The day greed identified me as a right person to live in. Greed catches anybody who decides what he is gonna do for the living, Greed catches people the moment they start to earn. Until then it doesn’t disturb you. Whatever my choice would have been, business or any damn thing, which would have still remained the day Greed acquired me.

Not sure how many felt this way, there were days when 10000 Rs looked like a real dream job in the market and I wanted to earn something around that. Often thought what will I do if I get that, what all I could do, well a color mobile, I could recharge for 1000 bucks a month, that’s awesome I could talk for long hours. I can watch movies on all weekends and be an out and out spendthrift and still save something. I was not so bad at mathematics, all these looked very possible and those days were not long ago, they are still wet.

The first salary was a lot more than what I dreamt of and yes I have every right to be the happiest man on earth rather I was not. My friends earned a K or 2 more and that was the first question greed posted on mind. Is he better than you? Well, this is not enough you must earn more, more and more. This is one factor if not the only one that demanded me to start working more, develop skills, prove something, have a vision and forced me to grow as day progressed.

The small seed has now grown up into trees, now I feel it is forcing me too much. It let me ask and expect too much of myself. It has convinced me so very much that I’m very capable of anything that lets my heart and soul work and wander, and wander and work and achieve what it demands somehow. Yes, somehow. The immediate next thing would be in the making and now I have to fight from the moment it gets ready.

More the number of people loves you, more the expectation the world has on you the more you will expect from yourself. Nowadays when I walk over the street when I see so many tall buildings I regret not being a business man. Leave that, when I see some peaceful people out there, I regret not getting into teaching, when I see the fame, money and living that a sportsperson or an artist gets I regret not choosing those fields.

The greed has now transformed into something else, it is coming up with many questions, is he that good to earn all these perks he has got in the society? Aren’t you capable of this if given a chance? Aren’t you a hard worker? Then is that fortune the only thing that decides an individual’s life or has my chance not yet arrived and I still have to wait but be ready?

I’m tired, I need peace, I just couldn’t expect anything more of myself and can’t let anybody expect anything of me. I’m greedy. My greed is developing day by day, when I see an Audi over the road, the greed is awake and starts to ask questions again. I’m sick, tired I need peace, and I don’t need this greed.

Oh no, wait, I don’t think I could I march anywhere leaving the greed aside. I think yes, I need that but at what levels, now I’m confused. I need that no I don’t, I’m very confused.

I don’t know how many of the people out there have this state of mind, this could be temporary, and a success next day could change things upside down. I still don’t get what this life is all about, what that drives us, where we wanna end up and what I should do, but one way I’m happy, my greediness is still honest. It hasn’t asked me any questions to think other ways to go and get all it demands at the cost of mistakes, it still forces things to happen being myself but with some extra bit of force that mind is not ready for at times.

When I see the greediness in the country I’m more confused. When I heard the spectrum issue I just couldn’t measure the threshold levels of the greediness of my countrymen. After all for a few thousand bucks many are staying away from their family. They pay taxes on their hard earned money and an individual’s greed is walloping the entire nation’s future, so many people’s today. I don’t understand what it is all about. At least now I have a reason to be proud of my greed for being gentle.

Wish we find the key soon, use the greed at some levels to leave a place when we are no more but definitely not at the cost of pushing too much and chasing the ‘no more’ anymore.

Have a great day folks. !!