Pride and Peace.

Not the cinematic experience rather nothing was felt when I saw the changes in the city through the window of the Red Scorpio. The new tall buildings, the widened roads, the fully functioning 'kathipara' flyover which was just stones and cement when I boarded my first flight and even the 5 inches waist improvement of my friend hardly had any impact on me. 

A question that probably did not made me feel excited about anything and that didn't give the usual 'my answers' to the questions of my buddies who waited at the airport for more than 4 hours. Thanks to the Belgium fog that made me realize the worth of friendship yet again. The thinking lasted for days until few hours ago and here I'm in front of the open office with an answer. So, what was eating my head? That’s the blog is about.

I felt like a blank piece of paper and a vacuum space was developing from deep inside when I finished all the packing for the morning flight and hit my bed for one last time. I did not get sleep; the soul was wandering somewhere that I had absolutely no control. I then stood at my balcony and saw the first snow for few minutes, then kept on staring at my laptop for some more time, nothing was getting me back. 5 more hours to leave Canada, the place that took wonderful care of me for nearly 19 months. I forced myself to sleep and only eyes did.

Here I'm in Chennai after around 2 days of this restless search of something finally reached which was once my den, my kingdom. Not just I, anybody who has born and brought up in a place have this very own feeling. I'm everything here. I was finally back, was I? Not really.

Nothing changed except my age, oh yes my hair style is not the same, so as my body mass but is there some useful thing that could really have any significant impact on the longer run of life? Nothing, absolutely nothing I concluded the moment I reached home from the airport, disappointed, I was expecting some magic that could turn the tide of my life and take me to the next level of the already happier life. After all one is not staying away from his caring family and friends just for the sake of money, there is something else we expect along with it and when you realize that you have got that, there is achievement. I was missing that.

More than a week of jetlag, and the tongue that was almost westernized was getting used to this very own yet new place. I was more disappointed that I could find my courage missing when I drove the bike at the streets, I was unusually careful that my friends laughed at. I wasn’t able to cross the busy roads in minutes that once I crossed in seconds. To my surprise I was obeying traffic rules here. Be an Indian when you are in India. Be fearless, be carefree, god is with you along with the thousands of share autos in the city. Find your courage else be your mom’s kid, I stayed home with frustration.

Hmmm, well I developed nothing and I have lost my very own Chennaite attitude. The Tea shop where I belonged so much, where one has to stand with all the presence of mind and sense of humor in the world to avoid any glimpses of teasing/humiliation from the not so educated yet the most entertaining ‘typical’ guys of the society welcomed my arrival. It’s been ages since someone did that to me, I was mouth shut and I had no pace to defend me or attack them with a counter. It was not just pulling my legs it was pushing me to the corners. Disappointment grew though I knew that these things are subject to change in a matter of time, I was afraid whether they will.

The parent frustration that I have learnt nothing and the child frustrations that I have lost many simple yet essential things made me feel heavy, heavy that I couldn’t add anymore frustration even if I wish.

With all these questions challenging the intention behind my vacation, I heard someone knocking the door. The HP printer come scanner I ordered in the morning was in for delivery. I didn’t know something else was to be delivered along with it.

There entered a sweating man in formal attire trying to explain the features of the printer and its rocket science mechanism. Yes, he was just trying. He was yet another person who honestly believed from his whole heart that only English can fetch him respect. He did not even bother to talk in the local language even when I talked in it few times. May be not his fault, the management might have this funda of attracting customers with English. Not anything against English, as I’m writing this blog I should not say that.

A little deviated from the intended content of the blog, but it has become a must touch somewhere in my writings to register my protest against this rapidly growing unpleasant communicators. You talk in Tamil or Hindi or English or even in Mandarin as long as you can convey what you want to. No language is good enough to seek you the things you want, communication is just communication and definitely not self respect. I will stop it here, the next few lines are unwritten, probably few will see them, may be someone will even hear or listen.

The person kinda finished explaining the stuffs and I have almost forgotten why he is even here by then. I offered him a coffee then and had a conversation that I always do when I have a coffee in hand, anything to drink for that matter.

Dude, it’s boiling outside, how do you manage with a formal fully buttoned shirt, omg, tie as well and this mirror like shoes, don’t you feel pissed off? I couldn’t imagine myself in your shoes just for a minute, how do you manage? Yes, finally he settled down a bit and started talking sorry communicating. Finally!!

Yes sir, it is difficult. I have to attend around 10 places for 10 different products a day and I have a two wheeler to travel. Yes, it is difficult to drive when it is this hot, but I have to do this, it’s my job. Like any other individual I was interested in knowing his salary, not to embarrass him for any reason, just my interest towards where my society is did not let me to stop asking that. He said 7000 plus petrol allowances.

I said in mind, dude, how do you afford a girl friend? City has become so costly that we earn in rupees and spend in dollars as one of my friend said. True, it is difficult or impossible to run a life that could satisfy the primary essential needs of a family with what he is getting.

I couldn’t come out of it for sometime, a degree holder driving 100s of kilometers a day under red hot sun with all the things in the world to frustrate him and somehow should manage, deal and try to communicate with customers under his company’s communication norms. I wished I was in a position to offer him a job that moment like we see in movies. He finished his coffee and started wearing his socks, dude, forget your shoes, I can’t imagine myself being in your socks for a moment, again I said in mind. I thanked god that moment that may be I’m not in a position to help him out but at least I could feel sorry for him.

Not just him, the society has so many people that we generally do not notice.  I’m not listing the number of people who are under our levels and compare our lives with them. After all this isn't a thing that happened to us overnight. Yes, we are the reasons for what we are; there are some blessings, some level of hard work, some talent, some faith and some sacrifices and some unknown thing behind every person who is successful.

Success, it is always a relative term and here in this case many of us are successful that has plenty of reasons behind. But, I definitely have no reason to carry my frustrations any further beyond this point. When I always have this search of something, a need to learn things everywhere when will I enjoy my present state, my current success, who will celebrate my self pride and when will I be in peace?

It’s in us, within us, we must enjoy our pride and be in peace. But, mind it very carefully that you are very close to the over confident reckless state, still I recommend to take the risk to walk on this wall, a wall that is made of pride and peace. I felt it, he made me feel it.

I felt like I’m out of my worries all of a sudden and searched for my bike key. Dad from his room, Ganesh, your bike brake is not functioning, don’t take it, I said I will manage dad, not to worry. I’m on the roads now with thorough courage and entered the tea shop. Ten minutes from then, two of my friends said, Damn it, he is back. Am I? This time, yes I’m.

Thanks for your time folks. Advance merry Christmas and Happy New Year.