Pride and Peace.

Not the cinematic experience rather nothing was felt when I saw the changes in the city through the window of the Red Scorpio. The new tall buildings, the widened roads, the fully functioning 'kathipara' flyover which was just stones and cement when I boarded my first flight and even the 5 inches waist improvement of my friend hardly had any impact on me. 

A question that probably did not made me feel excited about anything and that didn't give the usual 'my answers' to the questions of my buddies who waited at the airport for more than 4 hours. Thanks to the Belgium fog that made me realize the worth of friendship yet again. The thinking lasted for days until few hours ago and here I'm in front of the open office with an answer. So, what was eating my head? That’s the blog is about.

I felt like a blank piece of paper and a vacuum space was developing from deep inside when I finished all the packing for the morning flight and hit my bed for one last time. I did not get sleep; the soul was wandering somewhere that I had absolutely no control. I then stood at my balcony and saw the first snow for few minutes, then kept on staring at my laptop for some more time, nothing was getting me back. 5 more hours to leave Canada, the place that took wonderful care of me for nearly 19 months. I forced myself to sleep and only eyes did.

Here I'm in Chennai after around 2 days of this restless search of something finally reached which was once my den, my kingdom. Not just I, anybody who has born and brought up in a place have this very own feeling. I'm everything here. I was finally back, was I? Not really.

Nothing changed except my age, oh yes my hair style is not the same, so as my body mass but is there some useful thing that could really have any significant impact on the longer run of life? Nothing, absolutely nothing I concluded the moment I reached home from the airport, disappointed, I was expecting some magic that could turn the tide of my life and take me to the next level of the already happier life. After all one is not staying away from his caring family and friends just for the sake of money, there is something else we expect along with it and when you realize that you have got that, there is achievement. I was missing that.

More than a week of jetlag, and the tongue that was almost westernized was getting used to this very own yet new place. I was more disappointed that I could find my courage missing when I drove the bike at the streets, I was unusually careful that my friends laughed at. I wasn’t able to cross the busy roads in minutes that once I crossed in seconds. To my surprise I was obeying traffic rules here. Be an Indian when you are in India. Be fearless, be carefree, god is with you along with the thousands of share autos in the city. Find your courage else be your mom’s kid, I stayed home with frustration.

Hmmm, well I developed nothing and I have lost my very own Chennaite attitude. The Tea shop where I belonged so much, where one has to stand with all the presence of mind and sense of humor in the world to avoid any glimpses of teasing/humiliation from the not so educated yet the most entertaining ‘typical’ guys of the society welcomed my arrival. It’s been ages since someone did that to me, I was mouth shut and I had no pace to defend me or attack them with a counter. It was not just pulling my legs it was pushing me to the corners. Disappointment grew though I knew that these things are subject to change in a matter of time, I was afraid whether they will.

The parent frustration that I have learnt nothing and the child frustrations that I have lost many simple yet essential things made me feel heavy, heavy that I couldn’t add anymore frustration even if I wish.

With all these questions challenging the intention behind my vacation, I heard someone knocking the door. The HP printer come scanner I ordered in the morning was in for delivery. I didn’t know something else was to be delivered along with it.

There entered a sweating man in formal attire trying to explain the features of the printer and its rocket science mechanism. Yes, he was just trying. He was yet another person who honestly believed from his whole heart that only English can fetch him respect. He did not even bother to talk in the local language even when I talked in it few times. May be not his fault, the management might have this funda of attracting customers with English. Not anything against English, as I’m writing this blog I should not say that.

A little deviated from the intended content of the blog, but it has become a must touch somewhere in my writings to register my protest against this rapidly growing unpleasant communicators. You talk in Tamil or Hindi or English or even in Mandarin as long as you can convey what you want to. No language is good enough to seek you the things you want, communication is just communication and definitely not self respect. I will stop it here, the next few lines are unwritten, probably few will see them, may be someone will even hear or listen.

The person kinda finished explaining the stuffs and I have almost forgotten why he is even here by then. I offered him a coffee then and had a conversation that I always do when I have a coffee in hand, anything to drink for that matter.

Dude, it’s boiling outside, how do you manage with a formal fully buttoned shirt, omg, tie as well and this mirror like shoes, don’t you feel pissed off? I couldn’t imagine myself in your shoes just for a minute, how do you manage? Yes, finally he settled down a bit and started talking sorry communicating. Finally!!

Yes sir, it is difficult. I have to attend around 10 places for 10 different products a day and I have a two wheeler to travel. Yes, it is difficult to drive when it is this hot, but I have to do this, it’s my job. Like any other individual I was interested in knowing his salary, not to embarrass him for any reason, just my interest towards where my society is did not let me to stop asking that. He said 7000 plus petrol allowances.

I said in mind, dude, how do you afford a girl friend? City has become so costly that we earn in rupees and spend in dollars as one of my friend said. True, it is difficult or impossible to run a life that could satisfy the primary essential needs of a family with what he is getting.

I couldn’t come out of it for sometime, a degree holder driving 100s of kilometers a day under red hot sun with all the things in the world to frustrate him and somehow should manage, deal and try to communicate with customers under his company’s communication norms. I wished I was in a position to offer him a job that moment like we see in movies. He finished his coffee and started wearing his socks, dude, forget your shoes, I can’t imagine myself being in your socks for a moment, again I said in mind. I thanked god that moment that may be I’m not in a position to help him out but at least I could feel sorry for him.

Not just him, the society has so many people that we generally do not notice.  I’m not listing the number of people who are under our levels and compare our lives with them. After all this isn't a thing that happened to us overnight. Yes, we are the reasons for what we are; there are some blessings, some level of hard work, some talent, some faith and some sacrifices and some unknown thing behind every person who is successful.

Success, it is always a relative term and here in this case many of us are successful that has plenty of reasons behind. But, I definitely have no reason to carry my frustrations any further beyond this point. When I always have this search of something, a need to learn things everywhere when will I enjoy my present state, my current success, who will celebrate my self pride and when will I be in peace?

It’s in us, within us, we must enjoy our pride and be in peace. But, mind it very carefully that you are very close to the over confident reckless state, still I recommend to take the risk to walk on this wall, a wall that is made of pride and peace. I felt it, he made me feel it.

I felt like I’m out of my worries all of a sudden and searched for my bike key. Dad from his room, Ganesh, your bike brake is not functioning, don’t take it, I said I will manage dad, not to worry. I’m on the roads now with thorough courage and entered the tea shop. Ten minutes from then, two of my friends said, Damn it, he is back. Am I? This time, yes I’m.

Thanks for your time folks. Advance merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Redemption…

Blog 6, this number was the initial target I had in mind when I started blogging 6 months back. I very well knew what I’m goanna write now right from the time I started to share things here. I’m pretty bad at following a routine and there are quite a bit of instances that happened, not this time. I managed to come here, thanks to people for the motivation. 

Sep 4^th 2010. I’m now a 25 year old. If I traverse all the way back and forth and check out the highlights, lowlights and insights of my not so many years lived yet lived, not so detailed yet briefed, not so challenged yet motivated, no so achieved yet competed, not so impressive yet interesting life I should say I’m some what happy. Now, I’m walking through my days of the so called ordinary life that might not interest the readers but still a personal choice that was chosen months ago I have to go with it.

Now why ordinary? What is an ordinary life? Why I repeatedly use this word ordinary? What is ordinary?

I as many others believe in God, I go to him when I want something and abuse him when I don’t get that. I even doubted his existence many a times, when the power turned off at the crucial moment of few cricket matches, when I got rejected in a technical interview, when I flunked in one of my well written exam, when I got suspended, when few things that are now good but not when it happened and in many other occasions I doubted his existence. But end of the day I always had the belief in super natural power and depended way too much on that. Does that make me ordinary? Yeah, kind of, but not really!

The two siblings of ordinary Mr. Very Ordinary and Mr. Extra Ordinary are clear, the threshold for these levels is visible, but this, the hero ordinary, what is the factor that determines it? Not just me, most of my friends, family and my fellow Indians remain ordinary. Perhaps, we prefer to be ordinary all the time. What keeps us to be happy about living an ordinary life? Enough of puzzling, let us together figure it out right now, right here, we need some one’s life to mark few points and connect them to see how an ordinary life looks, let it be mine, a perfect ordinary.

Years ago, I was too young to remember the exact year; I stole a pack of bread from a shop. Like many scoundrels the country has seen, I also began (I never followed) it with a pack of bread, not for the same reason, but I don’t know why I did that. Not an immediate reaction, in some time, after many days I remembered that, something reminded me that. The stories that the eyes will be snatched by the almighty when people get into immoral activates scared me like hell. It pushed me to the corners with Guilt. Regardless to say you are afraid only when you are guilty. I was guilt and I couldn’t come out of it. It took me many days to forget that, the more the TV channels showed about thieves, the more I went to ashrams and temples that taught us what are good and what not, I was thrown to the dead ends of being guilty. I started praying God many times, so many hours a day to get me out of it. I lost my little peace for so many days.

I grew up a little, I was out of that guilt, and started being guilty for being guilty for a damn pack of bread. Anyways that was not longer, I had another immediate reason to fall into bigger guilt. I cut my school went to a movie with my friend when I was 11 year old. I wanted to tell my parents about it,  felt like a piece of shit, festivals were no more fun and every time I went to theater with my family I didn’t enjoy. I was guilt as well as afraid that my father will kill me when he comes to know, I finally managed to come out of that too. But I again lost my little peace for a brief time.

People, who have never been guilty, can’t really understand what that the above lines mean. May be there won’t be many who don’t understand, probably there won’t be any who had never been guilty.

Whenever I get myself out of guilt, I had the next reason waiting. Older I became, heavier the incidents to push me into guilt. It doesn’t really mean when you are guilt you don’t enjoy, you don’t indulge yourself into happiness or fun. Things would go very normally as easy as it goes in a guilt free life when people are around; things would start to hurt when you are alone, only when you are alone. The time that is really important for anybody for the transformation of an ordinary being to an extra ordinary usually get so much occupied with this guilty consciousness.

This is not the right place for those bigger reasons or even a place to share them all and start confessing, after all the intention is not to say the world that my life is transparent. Everybody should be ashamed of their negatives, so do I. I exactly know how it sounds in a hi-tech life that we live now, if I say I was guilt for no reasons. PS3s, iPhones and Laptops certainly changed our lives a lot, but now the point is one might not get Guilty for the same reason. There are plenty of different reasons and I could still say many of us, we ordinaries are guilty. In other words, we are ordinary because we are guilty for one reason or the other.

The beginning of an extra ordinary is being happy with what you are, finding the peace all the time, and understanding, analyzing and knowing you completely and still falling in love with thyself. That doesn’t really end, now this is just the beginning. Yeah, I’m ready to begin my extra ordinary life but what will I do to my existing guilts? If you have a question, the coming magical words did wonders for me. ‘I did it because I wanted it. Now it is not right and I’m not doing it anymore’.

Next, coming to what is called as the known problem, what that defines we are, a vital knot which would even cost our lives even if we think about touching with aggression. That is being a citizen, patriotism and things related to Geography. Yet another place where we remain ordinary since 1947; I understand we were Very ordinary before that. As long as I talk only about my rights and forget my duties I remain an ordinary. I’m not very bothered if the politicians for whom I voted corrupt my country. If I read something about them in the newspapers, if I get to know they have looted my countries wealth I don’t even react. But I get over excited, over patriotic when a cricketer gets caught in match fixing. My patriotism and my care about the society are just associated with cricket so I remain an ordinary. I represent my society, a society full of ordinaries.

I don’t have the courage to change the evil which is not shameful but I fail to even think about it which is, which is an attribute of an ordinary. May be my guilt, the things that made me feel inferior about myself is a reason for that, something that has convinced even myself that I could do nothing. I could do nothing because I’m an ordinary.

All the ones who did so many good things for the needy are ordinary if they had a reason to do that. There are so many ways of getting out of one’s guilt and doing good things is one such way. If you try to find peace with what you do you are ordinary. If you live for a smaller circle you are ordinary.

Every person is given a list of options to decide your life by the almighty. They altogether form the same number for any human being and the choice is left to you. With whatever brain you have you select the features of your life and bring that number when you are born. There are no regrets here, you live what you wanted. For the atheists out there, the theory is simple. Refine your everyday thinking, father of Physics called it science. You will end up finding peace, happiness and everything else you want.

Yes, I always liked something or the other feature from someone, few are good looking, few are brilliant, few are both and few appear excellent all the time. But if I think about living some one else’s life, if I still get a chance to add more features I could see none. No one’s life has impressed me so much that I would love living theirs. I can easily be happy being myself and only be happy being myself. So be it any theory, atheism or godliness I live what I opted, I opted what I really wanted. I have no big complaints except that my nose could have been little smaller. And no big unachievable wishes except that my laziness vanishes off all of a sudden.

So living in peace, getting out of your guilts, being a citizen (again it is a geographical term, I would say a citizen is one who is good to all), understanding my duties, not that I can change the society in no time as all our Action hero does, but contribute something that could impact significantly are the actions that can carry an ordinary to the path of an Extra ordinary. The walk towards next level, is that enough to live as an extra ordinary? Not enough. But this is will certainly take you close to the destination.

We ordinaries become extra ordinary when it comes to challenges. Many have done miracles when challenged, but we failed to understand that the biggest challenge that we are facing is being happy with what we have, being what we are. Many of them already lost this without knowing that they have been challenged and many of us are still losing this challenge every single day.

These 25 years, I’m now sick of an ordinary life. I now need a redesign; I now don’t ask the super powers to take me out of my guilt, to make me extra ordinary. I’m challenged but provided with enough weapons to win this challenge, win this war. The redemption is over, now the next phase of life starts, the challenge to be an extra ordinary individual and an extra ordinary citizen is on. 

Living is what you live when you are no more, the challenge is accepted. Unfortunately nobody is prefect, but fortunately any body can be extra ordinary. I want to be an extra ordinary and represent a society of extra ordinaries with enormous proud.

Now the tales of an extra ordinary begins. The stage is set, the show begins….

Thanks for your time folks, Have an extra ordinary day.

The Maple leaf

It really took some time to finalize what to write this time, never that thought crossed my mind, I write what I feel like writing, as long as I inhale something called satisfaction I do it with all guns blazing. Couple of mails from unknown friends about the posts, few appreciations and few criticisms made me responsible.

But the thoughts did not help much, every neuron said I'm perfectly unfit to write something which I'm not 100% sure about that too when I'm running a busy schedule. So I again ended up choosing a topic about myself and things I have gone through. After all these are 'Tales of an ordinary'. A continuation of my blog one, this time it is Canada.

As I already mentioned 'the way' I started from India I can skip my personal heroics here, straight into the scenes, over to Toronto immigration center.

Oops, I have 4 damn hours left to get my flight to the capital city, my way too tried body was demanding some rest, the eyes that were slightly wet at the start of the journey almost a day before was screaming from inside that I have rubbed it more than it could withstand. Every blink took twice as much time it would normally take, I was standing in the queue, waiting for the immigration to go smooth. After convincing the immigration officer that I'm the only one on earth who can do this particular job I got things cleared and moved out of the room.

I then reached my destination. It was exactly opposite to what I have imagined about a foreign land, it was not smooth, my initial days were wonderfully frustrating. I was asked to stay in a motel located at a highway for a week as none of the colleagues' room were vacant by then. It was disappointing and scary as it exactly resembled the one that comes in Psycho movie. I had to push my initial days there with utmost no interest.

Week 2 was more painful, days I have seen black rice, ran hundreds of time to calm down the fire alarms, slept without food, felt lonely, confusions and every possible thing that can irritate and scare a new comer. Regardless of my personal situation to stay, I really wanted some force to take me back to my den for good. Jet lag, no one to chit chat in the only language in which I have some sense of humor, no television, summer are reasons for worth.

It's really funny if I imagine the days I roamed around the city with cameras, uploaded photos of all permutations and combinations of all the places and people in the social networking sites. Crazy like kid to explore new places, Niagara, Toronto, 1000 islands and Montreal quenched the thirst of the mind that was pre conceived with nothing like them. Yes, they are visual delights, they are wonderful and they will remain wonderful. Niagara is a must watch for anyone who visit Canada or U.S.

When compared with the attitude and behavior of what that describes me of a personal I was surprised to see myself being anti social. Shameful that I was having the shades of a racist that I did not have the same interest to go and start even a companionship with the non Tamil speaking lot. Even now I'm wondering how one such thing happened? No answers yet, but as long as I know that I'm alright now, I should not bother much, ain't I?

Am I always magnifying only things that were unpleasant, what I missed and how I recovered or how to recover? I have had some best time here, some very special moments, many friends, some non Tamil speaking friends and have been working in a place that has excellent worth ethics and culture. Why do not I share them? why not?

The excitement started exactly a year ago when I was asked to extend my stay for one more year, the initial 6 months for what I have actually come here made me multiply whatever I spent by 45 though I have spent decent amount of money I always doubted that I'm over spending. The extension just broke that shell out, held my balance perfect, the moment you do not really calculate what you do, you will automatically become happy. The well being started.

Next is the arrival of new comers, new people from Bangalore, Chennai, Delhi, Mumbai, Pune added the flavors and colors to life. Fortunately many happened to be my favorites. This part where we all had and still having numerous potlucks (food cooked and shared by all), cooking together, big bunch of people going for movies on Tuesdays(day we have some reductions on ticket price), tooneys, birthday celebrations, night outs, Friday night guys party, discotheques, pubs and restaurants has never really made me go near boredom. Days passed by faster than it actually should have. Probably the quickest one year of my life so far though I keep saying it every year.

Life is different here, it is not like what we live in India, here people get close to each other in no time. Share things in no time, ready to have fun always, as many has no real work pressure or never realized the work pressure here because they have worked in India, people are ready to have fun always, party always and go the extra bit to reach the saturation of what is called fun. Even when there is a tinge of pain somewhere we had reasons to party it and celebrate that too. Mostly they are called 'farewells'.

The stay so far is pleasant, it is fresh, it keeps me cool and calm. Unlike what we, every Indian have assertions about western countries, the importance they give for relationships, about divorces, nothing is true. People are well disciplined, very friendly, down to earth and when it comes to relationships, love and family people are exactly like how we are.

Finally, about the climate, Canada has spring/summer - It is exactly what you see in India, temperature would be in the mid 30s, but the bright green colors you see all over the place will relax you a little and give chillness at least to the eyes. Fall/autumn - The most beautiful season and you can't believe what you are seeing, no body who has seen this season would have failed to appreciate the nature, it is mind blowing. Then comes the mighty winter - The temperature will go up to mid minus 30s rarely 40s. Many here hate this season (not me). The entire country will turn white, have seen 35 cm of snow all over the street last year, have to wear thermals, jackets and gloves to sustain. Around 5 months you will look heavier with all these extra fits which is what I don't like about. Winter sports are fantastic. Skiing is enjoyable.

Canada is special for many reasons. So many things made me wonder about it, many things make Canada special and I would rate maple leaves at the top. They somehow make Canada look complete, the Canadian flag look complete, the streets look complete and symmetrically designed leaves make me have the instincts that there is something special with it whenever I see them, touch them, it doesn't matter if they are not.

More often when you appreciate something it is considered as you are appreciating something over the other. If at all one such thought arise I just want to make a point clear, nothing like my motherland, not just me but the entire world.

It looks like I will be leaving this fascinating place soon which means I will be seeing India soon which means I don't have to answer 'Hi, how are you, how is Canada' messages anymore. It is going to be a mixed feeling. But end of the day I know I will be happy. !!

Thanks for your time.

Happy Independence day in advance friends. Jai Hind.

Bangalore

An interesting phase rather a very important phase of my life started here. Certain things you won’t value when you have it, the moment you get away from it you will realize what you have missed. I dedicate this blog to one of the most beautiful cities 'Bangalore'.


After all the mandatory struggles one should face to get a job if he happened to study in a college that has no campus interviews, I got placed into a small company in Chennai which belongs to the research group of IIT Madras. Neither had I thought that I'm not a part of these big MNCs nor my parents bothered. Life started with extra ordinary dreams, with a vision of doing masters at the top research institute one day.

Days went smooth, I learned new stuffs at work, some golden opportunities to work with some real professionals, Java became heart beats, GUIs were like paintings and coding was cricketing. Days that went along wonderfully with hot pack lunch, long hour phone talks, cricket, carom and beaches in the weekend, first day movie shows, night outs, G2Gs and what else? There wasn't much difference to my college days except that I had more money to spend, magical it was for a little more than a year until the day I decided to quit the work.

The reasons were plenty, I shall not picture myself as a strong decision maker, when I wanted to quit I still wanted to continue. Reasons again were plenty but the end of the day I quit, I then belonged to Bangalore, one of the proudest companies for any parents took me in.

Like one out of two engineers in India I started my journey to Bangalore. Never got time to realize what I was doing, what I was going to miss, before I thought I should move I was already in Bangalore.

Day 1, when I know that all I had here so far will be available only once in a while, that too for a short period, no rough ideas on when I will be back here again permanently was running all over my mind all through the bus travel. I told myself that I'm not going to stay in Bangalore a day more than a year.

Bangalore, everything I saw was not new but strange. I was not born with sliver spoons, but my spoons were always clean and I got them whenever I was in need of them. I always had some one to help me out; mostly it was mom and dad. In fact I never was in need of something; they never let me ask for something. Probably the only guy who DID not know ironing, self shaving, washing his own clothes and the list had so many add-ons.

College mate and a close friend, his friends and their friends took good care and the arrangements were just perfect to get through the initial days. I joined the new company and work was to begin the next week, with absolutely no work at office, days looked longer than they actually were.

I then traveled Chennai every week; rain or shine I was in Chennai during weekends. Though the 831UDs were not doing justice to the money they charged, dad booked the tickets in the so called only affordable comfortable bus every week and I made sure that I reached Chennai before the logical end of Friday every single time.

One funny weekend, I wasn't able to travel Chennai due to the political issues between Karnataka and TamilNadu regarding Hogenakkal, I had to wash my clothes on my own to sustain the next week. I started washing at 7 in the evening with the guidance of mom over phone, when I finished it was 11, damn the politics. Hilarious it is today!!!

Days passed by, I was no more a new entry to the place, had to adjust the language, slang, people, food and work in no time. I was slow, I cursed myself for one such decision to move out of Chennai and I was fighting with the reality defending myself and my inabilities all the time.

Slowly, it wasn't forced, I, my body, mind everything started accepting these changes, I then traveled Chennai once in two weeks and spent every other week with the new friends around. I explored Forum, BTM, multiplexes, PVRs and so many other places, started liking the place day by day. Hmmm, pretty good chicks too, Bangalore is not that bad, I changed my perception. Traveling got reduced further.

Bangalore then started to teach me few things without my knowledge, started changing me with some pace, personally it taught me how to manage myself, how to be on my own, people handling, health consciousness, affection and more importantly sharing. It was not even an imagination that I will share my room with some X, my rest room with some Y. I very well knew that staying alone was the only option left for me. With the compulsion of few good men around I extended my stay with them for a while then I did find it interesting and fun. I continued.

It created a space for myself, gave me the silence and time needed to think and act on my own, made me realize my responsibilities, the phase that showered the importance of patience, the place that clearly spotted what I'm and what I should be. It tried to change the boy in me to the man my family wanted. Bangalore became responsible for certain changes which I always had assumptions that I'm born with.

Change is something that happens to both your mind and body, that triggers something on both your dead and living cells, something that your carbon di oxide should tell this outside world what it felt inside. Just the feeling to change is not change. Change is not a feeling, it is reality, it doesn't happen without a reason, without a force or without a desire.

I believe that every person must be alone sometime in his life, when you study or when you work doesn't really matter, every person should stay away from all the protection and warmth of his family for a brief time, to discover himself, to understand what a family is, what relationships mean to us, the unknown sacrifices of your loved ones for your happiness, for your painless life and to understand the unconditional love what that have made you love yourself.

Bangalore, as I said I did not stay a day more than a year. Professionally it is responsible for some significant learnings, provided considerable technical challenges and an opportunity to travel and explore the world. The learning phase has not end, I could see that I learn things in detail here in this part of the world, the fundamentals what Bangalore taught was very firm to understand any lesson. I let myself get along with this learning phase as long as I enjoy learning. I owe you so much Bangalore, I now wish to stay more, but not a day more than a year, my Chennai is already missing me!!!

Cheers!!!

Her - The memories

I sounded little philosophical, couple of comments I received on my previous blogs from close pals made me read them again. Yes, they contain philosophy, unintentionally though, still I don't want to get into philosophy again, at least not this time, I told myself.

How about writing something that is actually me, something that is common on most of our lives, something that every person had come across, something that even a machine can get nostalgias?

I'm travelling few years back, recollecting few memories, (in fact nothing has lost or faded to recollect) this time its the puppy love, few would have felt it by 5, few by 10, by 12, I was little late, I was 15 then.

I still remember that evening when I was taken to the coaching centre by mom, who was very frustrated with the things happened last evening. I shattered my neighbor’s window with the cocso tennis ball, that female not only scolded me in public but also took it to my mom and shouted as if I have made the mistake of my life. The whole night silence in the home intuited me that something is going to happen the next day. As expected, no little more than what I expected, I was put into coaching classes. I screamed, I shouted, I protested but no one listened. Poor I was in 10th; there were around 6 guys in the centre with exactly the same flash back.

(I was a mediocre student during my school days and managed to pass in exams that was the only surviving factor at home for all the mischievous things I do. That wasn’t considered anymore.)

Day 1, at the centre, I was quite popular among the 50 students as 80% of them were my sister’s school mates. It was the day I met her, fall in something similar to love, something which a 15 year old failed to understand, but was a cute little thing that took 3 more years to happen again.

She, who was having a Dairy Milk in hand, was the first person to talk to me. ‘Please take’ she told in a husky voice. Time to talk about me and my schooling, I was doing my 10th in a Jain community aided boys’ government school, and represented a class that was full of students who never really had any kind of association with a girl of the same age group.

It was the time when Bret Hit Man Hart and Sachin Tendulkar were our gods. We were all into cricket, trump cards, chewing gums and 2 Rs pocket money per day. Girls?? It was not even a subject of interest.

Is your birthday? Many happy writtens of the day... I said. Yes, ‘writtens’ that was the level of my English. Very honest!!!! huh. Thanks, she left the place.

For those who wonder how a writer could skip the narration of the beauty of his girl? Here it comes.

Whitish brown skin, not very lean, not so obese female who was wearing a bloody red salvar, neatly showered loose normal hair, little of kajal on the otherwise gorgeous eyes (I do not like kajal), a sharp designer sticker right at the centre of the 3 inches broad fore head, no lipstick yet rosy lips, of course a cute little one side dimple, couple of pimples on the other side of the chin, sharp pierced nose and a pack of dairy milk in her hand. (I was equally interested in dairy milk.)

Anybody by this time would have got to know that she was an angel of the centre and I happened to see a little solar system. 30 planets roaming around a sun called ‘Her’.
The ‘Dairy Milky Way’ I would say.

Being a person who never knew the purpose of mirror and comb was discovering it the next evening. I appeared to be very incompetent with my dark skin among the 29 other planets. Some how decided to compete, being known that ‘winning is not important’ I participated with complete spirits.

Next evening, the competition started with an exam. Exam for all the 10th students about the things taught during last one week. I was asked not to take as I was new, how can one leave the chance when he knew that he won’t get many. I said I will write.

Questions from Tamil second paper, on simple pendulum, Mussolini, Darwin’s theory, algebra weren't really tough. Exams were over and the papers got corrected in front of all. With no surprise for the readers and for my surprise I got the maximum marks.

After the applauds and nice little gestures I spent some time with newly made friends and that evening was all set for the big thing. Fortune favors the needy, I was favored. I was asked by my trainer to leave her at home as it got a little late that day.

The conversation, it was a 15 minutes walk from the centre to her place, she started it, what rank you usually come in your class before I answered she asked don’t you talk much, before I answered this she said why are you silent, this time I let her talk decided not to answer anything. She said few things about her and I kept listening sorry admiring. I said Good night right at the 15th minute. My place was 10 minutes from her place, I didn’t walk. I flew.

Much awaited next evening took longer than usual days, I was ready to go well before time and my mind was very tired of all the imaginations on how she will be today. She was little late to enter and her place was occupied by someone. She was next to me; she sat very next to me.

This time, I didn’t wait for her to talk, I started it. I told few jokes which everyone from my school was good at, made her laugh as much as I could. Days passed by, that became her permanent place, she laughed and with time it turned into smile, offered more dairy milks she silently got closer and closer, she did not realize, I was enjoying every bit of it, life was nothing but heaven.

Any girl, intentionally or desired I don't know why, but any girl whom you come across would definitely impose some positives on you. Definitely!!!! Let's leave the negative things aside at least here. She was not an exception. The changes which my parents thought I would never have, changes that only I could realize and that would appear sheer stupidity when I try to explain.
I might have changed even if she wasn't there, but I met her, she changed me, the rest all is philosophy again.

Two months, we got our Quarterly exam results, she who was very studious till then flunked in two subjects (I wasn't the reason I believe) and that created a very big turn around. Her parents stopped her from this centre and put her into the school coaching. I could not take it, I was hurt, I knew that crying was unmanly even by then so I didn't, the truth that she wont be present at the place hurt me like hell.

With the little courage I had those days I searched for her in few places, roamed around her street corners, luck was as bad as my half yearly exam results. Got back to my shell with the same fox story.

I missed her, I miss her.
Then I saw another girl walking over my college class room in yellow salvar. Life started all over again. !!!


See you folks, have a great day...

The Musical chair

To start off, I thank everyone who spent their precious time in reading my first blog (The way), and thanks for the encouraging comments given by many over various mediums. I appreciate it!!!

Every other thing in the life is due to an inspiration, being an artist, being a sportsman; being a software engineer (exclude if that happened by chance not choice) or even being yourself is due to an inspiration. Some realize it, rest makes you realize. The way I started writing is also due to an inspiration.

There is nothing magical, nothing heroic its just getting inspired and doing it for the sake of ?? for the sake of?? I don’t know. Let me explore it. What it takes to do a thing form the heart, what keeps us going, what is that we (both good and bad, rich and poor) actually want, what is driving us..? What is life is what my next blog is about.

Wonder if Mahatma Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Mother Theresa or Swami Vivekananda is alive they would get shocked seeing their thoughts about life still living in the status messages of many face book and orkut users. I'm not gonna shock them by writing what they said. It's about me, life in the eyes of a 24 year old.

Here we goo.

I nicked a ball to the keeper; the catch was neatly taken and was given out. I didn’t agree, I argued, I swore that I wasn't out and finally got the decision in my favor. I was 14 then.

Life was all about winning for me. I was a kind of person who can't accept or even tolerate failures. I believed in nothing like winning and one can do anything to win. It doesn't matter whether it is mathematics, cricket, drawing competition or whatever damn thing I was interested in. I wanted to win.

Days passed, when I couldn't cope up with so much of competition, I started losing here and there. I started getting used to ‘once in a while’ failures.

Few more days, once in a while became routine, I couldn’t argue every time to be successful the moral science that was taught in my primary schooling did not allow me to do that. I realized that I need to be extremely ruthless to be successful all the time.

I started accepting failures and slowly moved to the other end of the road that is being honest. You got to be either 100 % successful or 100% honest to deserve complete respect in life. So life is not about winning all the time I concluded. Started wearing honesty where I couldn’t win.

4 years later when I started my life in a private engineering college, when my education started hurting my family members financially, like every other middle class Indian I also believed money is everything. Semester fees, exam fees, books, transport, project work, record notes, floppy drives and A4 sheets.. Everything appeared expensive and so many days I wondered being rich!!

Days passed the thoughts remained; it stayed for a while till the time I got a chance to write my first blog. The fact that I have sacrificed my bed coffees, Besant Nagar beach, amma's innocent laughs, dad’s scolding for getting home late, fights with sister and her unique cooking, Good morning SMSs, chat with friends,  a drive around my street and many other things made me realize that money isn’t everything.

So life is not about winning as well as not about money I added to my conclusion. Then what is life?

Is it love?? No. But it is definitely above success and money, I’m not considering the fact that all of them are tightly coupled. Still I’m very sure that love is not everything. Sati is no more.

Then what is life...  Being happy? Even being happy every day has never really let me sleep few times, so I'm sick of all the time happiness as well. What else is life?? It’s not about doing good deeds for reducing your karma level; it is not saving money for the fourth generation whom we not gonna see, to whom we can even lend some money if the theory of next birth ever exists.

With all these questions running all over my cerebrum I happened to watch few kids playing musical chair near the club. The mind that was just free from all the critical product deliveries and all object orientations was relaxing there watching their play.

With time the game looked more and more interesting, one kid was playing a mind game and the other a funny game, one was pulling out others and one was running in the reverse direction. Finally one managed to win. I felt that was one of the closest associations I ever had with myself, was correlating the game of life with this musical chair and witnessed a precise explanation that this is what our life is all about.

Life plays some music and expects us to sit somewhere we can when the music stops. When you find a seat, it doesn’t mean you have won coz it will again start and again it will expect you to sit somewhere. The music won’t stop unless you are alone. When you realize that you are alone there won’t be any music, the very next second you will have or will not have any near you depending on the way you played the game.

You have two choices here. Enjoy the music that life plays have fun with people around and play the game or play the game just for the sake of winning it. I won’t be surprised if my philosophy gets changed when my numbers are interchanged, on the course of enjoying the music I may be standing somewhere opposite to where I am now. I won’t be surprised.

For now, I'm enjoying my music, trying to have some fun with whoever is near, trying to add some more meaning to my game, trying to get a seat so that I can enjoy the next level of music. It's not about winning anyone. It’s not about losing to anyone. It’s me... It’s my life... I'm enjoying its music...


So start the meeeesic..................................

The way...

It's worth a wait. Wait for the reason for my first blog. One can write on anything literally.

Be it the review of a movie, be it the incident that happened, be it the speech that inspired, one can write on anything. But, there isn't anything like first and first can't happen second time so it is special, it is an universally accepted fact, even the zero inventors, the fellow Indians would agree this. I got the reason for my first blog.

I have completed one year in a foreign country. I know its definitely not an achievement but the way I got here is making me feel that it is special. The flight journey, the day before the travel, how it felt when the flight took off, what I miss, how much I miss, the void feelings and the isolated mind etc etc.. all these things are as old as diffusing a bomb right at the last second. I'm not gonna write anything on that, nothing that is already analysed, accepted or known.

I do not like disclaimers, they are just the announcement that I'm gonna tear u apart, but u don't take it personally.. still its more like a thing without which the things would look incomplete.. Just like the 'I'm feeling lucky' button of google. Just being a Roman.

DISCLAIMER:
DO NOT RELATE YOURSELF ANYWHERE. I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE IF YOU DO SO.


About my current and future writings, I like things when they are simple, no right click synonyms in MS Word for equivalent complicated words and I try not to exaggerate things as much as possible.


Here we goo...

It all started one year before, no add two more months, when the word 'bangalored' was added in Oxford, when states' state was like never before, when almost all gods were flooded with plenty of requests and obligations, when even swiss bank was bankrupted, my project got scrapped.

It was expected yet unacceptable when we got the news. We a group of 30 thrown to bench together where there were at least 200 bench mates already awaiting a new project. There were not many projects coming in, in fact every company was firing the average performers, laying off ppl who usually worked just 10 hours a day to maintain the profit margin.

In spite of knowing that the firm I work was honestly trying to keep its employees, we the employees were panic. The situation was really worse that could force even the most stubborn employers to lose their grip and become villains anytime. I was clueless about whats next. What if I don't get project in the next 700 hours, what if I lose my job, what's my bank balance, how much my parents earn, whats the safety I have in life, every answer I got was negative and I could still remember the day I turned pale thinking all these things. I was in no man's land where the entire world was standing very next to me.

I was searching hard for openings outside and within the company and finally a good news reached us about few onsite openings for a duration of 6 months for which we need to fight among ourselves to be one among the luckiest few.

Luck ?? It is still a mystery. A formula even the biggest of biggest scientists failed to find. All we need in life is a formula for luck, I keep saying this. The battle began, profiles forwarded, so many profiles, so many replies almost every profile was accepted for the initial screening except mine. Just because my experience was a month less than 2 years, the minimum experience to get a work permit.

Nobody except me knew that I had the needed experience and I was two full days more when I got the rejection mail. I was 2 years 2 days then. I knew I cant give up, I don't afford to give up, I have to prove somehow that I'm an eligible Indian to work on foreign soil and I managed to do with almost no hopes. My profile was finally taken in. In the mean time the positions got filled, there was only one left. The competition was becoming heavy everyday.

The profile got shortlisted in the second level of screening along with few others and we were asked to undergo the interview the very next day to fill in the last available slot. The topics were given and the challenge was to prove all your skills to the foreign client, to the world, to yourself before the next sun set.

The day I went home early with all the technical books in hand, the day I read, read, read and read every minute. I was almost ready for the technical discussion right from the day I heard the word recession. More than my technical skills I doubted my communication. I wasn't a English movie watcher then, all I watched was 'Titanic' a couple of times and ten other movies with subtitles which I don't even remember many of their names. I was a typical government school passed out and the fact was my school was lot better than my college. I'm strictly against smileys !!!

I thought I need to do something for my communication, so watch a movie as well. I ended up watching an English movie late night and woke up the sun well in advance.The next 8 hours in office was full of tension and friends who weren't shortlisted for interview, who were still in problem, gave lot of confidence that I could deliver though they knew the competition is among people who were twice or thrice as experienced as me.

Time, the only consistent worker reached the place on time, the interview started, after few 'pardon me's and sorries I was able to understand the questions. The last night's English movie dint do any magic but gave some confidence, the technical questions were just up-to my level and I did average.

The local project manager asked how the interview went, the answer from my side was 'ordinary' in fact 'very ordinary'. Anybody would have scolded me for screwing the chance but he dint because of the designation he belonged. The result will be broad casted the next morning, (evening in their land) and I somehow managed to sleep that night without thinking what I have done. All I knew was I gave everything I had, I was even little satisfied with my interview, but was not confident.

Next Morning, 6 30 am I got the call from the manager saying 'congrats, u got selected.. apply for the work permit asap'. And the most shocking news was, I was the only person who is gonna travel because the requirement got changed to one. Just one.

Luck... I still don't know its formula, but, if at all some one derive it, I'm quite sure that the formula will include something called hard work.

I was like an athlete who won the gold medal for his country, like a girl who crowned as the Miss World, I remembered the pursuit of happYness climax, (don't laugh) I made three calls one by one.. To three beloved ones of that time..

To be continued...