A Monsoon Day

A quintessential Monday morning, the phone's mechanism trying to wake me up with its ascending decibels reached my ears when it was half through. After two days of being in bliss Monday is perhaps the day you wake up from the best dream of the week, at times it is like literally pulling you out of a dream that you wanted to last for a lifetime and that’s the reason why most of us mourn about it all day; the reason behind the blues. Exactly my state when my eyes were half open searching for the phone. The digital display said it is quarter past 6, my god, already, and a message waiting at the inbox. Good night text sent by a buddy at 2 am. Understandable!

At 7 am packed my bag and left home to catch the office bus. A 5 min walk from where I live. It started drizzling the moment I reached the bus stand. Had to wait there for few more minutes for the office bus, they usually don't come on time, either early or late but never on time. I don't think I'm an incessant complainer, they are not on time is a fact that could pester anybody so why not me?

When it rains, when the skin is cold when the things around you look water washed and the leaves that appear with extra pigments you tend to enjoy it a bit and start to give an extra look irrespective of the complaints you have, everyone becomes an observer at that point. At the end of the platform there was a boy awaiting his school bus, a gang of college students pushing their fellow mate in a small pond and an old man protecting his bald head with a polythene cover rushing home with a milk bag in his hand. Sort of regular happenings you could see in a bus stand on a rainy day. My bus arrived and as always enough empty seats to occupy a window seat.

I love getting drenched in rain but I hate it to the core when it abandons a cricket match or when I’m stuck up in a heavy traffic or the 'kolak-bolak' in the shoes that often the Chennai roads offer for every brief pouring.  But the joy of hearing the thunders, seeing the lightning in the dark sky, the sound of rain hitting the ground with full force and the aroma it produces when it blends with the soil initially could never be appalling.

An hour to go to office, I was not interested to plug-in the headphones and bang my head rather I was completely glued on to the early morning scenes, kinda lost somewhere in the nostalgias. The drizzle then transformed into a heavy rain, I closed the seat window but my mind remained open. The memories that were travelling faster the velocity of light from somewhere covered me completely.  

Those were my school days where rain on a weekday is the happiest happening on earth. Dad usually asks me to take leave when it rains. That too when a cricket match is going on and dad asking you to bunk classes, nothing can better it. Certain days I even wondered whether it is possible to go few feet above the ground level and start pouring water around my house from a filter until my dad is convinced. I wished there was a possibility for that!

I was not a pampered child or the one that was monitored all the time by parents. I’m usually not asked questions, never in fact. I always had the liberty to do all I want and do them the way I want. Perhaps, the reason behind how I created a fascinating bond with rain, when most of the kids hid away from it, I enjoyed every drop of it.

College days monsoon is a package of memories, the cricket match we played where we the batting team urged to score the runs before it could get heavy and how much hurt we were when it denied us an easy victory, the footboard heroics that our college mates do with enormous skill in the slippery bus steps, the way it acted as a savior to postpone a semester exam which could have easily been an arrear were cruising along.

Few minutes later, the bus stopped at a Tollgate. The viper was in full swing and it somehow resembled most of us sitting inside with every 180, doing the same work over and over again. I looked around if there’s someone who was lost in the memories or creating one; to my surprise about half the crowd was talking on the phone in nil volume, hard to understand how they are actually converted to 0s and 1s when there is absolutely no data. Few of them were lucky enough to continue their dream of life and very few were looking here and there like me. I couldn’t guess what was going on their mind, if only they could write a blog on that.

8 AM, wondered if we got into a river by chance, the stagnant water made our bus look like a boat and every driver became a captain without training. We sailed for the next 15 minutes and there we entered the destination. Rain stopped right then and yet another week started all over again.

Have a great week folks.

Discotheque

That was a long queue; my friend shook my shoulders and yelled at me for eating up an hour to get ready. It was freezing out there; my other two friends joined him and accused me. When the woolen jackets and the thermal wears were facing their toughest task ever, my plain black T shirt inside a not so heavy sweater increased their anger exponentially. I never felt too much cold for reasons I don’t know.

 Forget it guys, we are here at least, and we will enter in few minutes, or after all this is not the last day of our lives. Calm down, I said and started looking at the ‘beauties’ of the nature. It was so lively; the crowd started roaring from outside when the 10 dB of black eyed peas’ ‘Tonight’s gonna be a good good night’ leaked out of the arena which of course added fuel to the flame.

Queue started moving gently, and we were getting closer to the most happening spot. Our turn was about to come and guys looked nervous. The last thing they could hear was to wait for some more time from the securities in the minus 20 degrees killer weather. Finally things went their way and they got in but I could not. I did not carry my passport to prove that I’m above 18 in spite of being told by my friends, the regular visitors of this place. The security guy did not allow me in. Damn it, I’m 24, do I look like someone who is below 18? I cut the damn it part and asked the 7 ft tall wrestler like security head. Policy sir, pardon me was his answer on the manliest tone one would have ever heard.

Okay guys you carry on, anyways I’m not very interested, I would go home I said. Before I even completed my sentence one of my friend was already in. I was about to start, suddenly the humongous security came to me and said it is ok sir, get in. Dude, you are Jesus Christ; I said and joined the other two.

Out of nowhere, a lady caught my hand and tied a Rakhi like band. Rakhi? Will I ever grow; I laughed at myself the moment that thought crossed my mind. I started feeling something else, the fragrance, how could someone explain it? Hmmm it must be kinda mix of strawberry essence, some sprays of Elizabeth Arden on the pretty chick showing her hand next to me for her Rakhi, added with few over flown Coronas and split lemonades somewhere nearby and some very costly air freshener which for sure must be the smell of heaven if it even exists.  The sweetness soothed into every two atoms of Oxygen. I got carried away.

So there I was in a discotheque arena for the very first time of my life. May be I should be ashamed as having born and brought up in a Metro Politian city like Chennai, having studied engineering there, having worked in one of the most happening places on earth Bangalore, I have never been to a discotheque.  My principles, ‘rotten’ principles as my close friend call them, did not let me to be a part of these places all those days. Now things have changed, the new place and the anxiety to explore few new things overrode the principles under some principles.

There they are dancing for some song that I hardly heard any lyrics. It was too loud. The Bass levels were terrible and the Treble levels were just out of audibility. It must be ‘Bose’ I told the one next to me. Aah damn your acoustic research, enjoy the beats mean, nodded his head for the rhythm. Not bad not bad. Situation started getting on to me.  Everyone started dancing as if something went into their clothes.

Our guys started some heavy movements to grasp the attention of four desi babes that looked at us once in a while. At the other side, the competition was heavier, local Canadian groups, a French speaking group, few Chinese and some guys from Middle East danced like hell to get applause from the diversified lot.  Our guys were busy impressing the babes. I was like a lost child in the middle. I could not dance, last time when I danced in front a mirror I almost lost my own respect. So I had to be stubborn to escape shame which I did, accompanied myself with a drink and took the best view to watch all these dramas.

Couple of hours later, I felt I could not bear the beats anymore, heart started pumping vigorously and 70 would have easily risen up to 140. Head was banging and I realized I could not stand there for one more minute. The most courageous or shameless of the three not sure how to categorize, asked those girls for a dance but could not get through. Poor fellas lets start before the bouncers throw us out, I called them and we started from the place. In a totally unconvinced irritated tone told them don’t you guys ever call me here again; we reached home at 3 in the morning. Way back home I wondered what’s in this? What on earth makes these guys die for this? It sucks!!

One week later, it was 10 in the night and I was alone waiting at the bus stop to go to Ottawa downtown wearing the newly bought Black casual Jacket.  I did not notice how my Passport got into it and how my legs were rehearsing the steps I learnt over the last 7 days.

It is Saturday in Chennai today; it has been more than a year and half since I became shameless and all I could say today is ‘Discotheques in Chennai are not that good’.

Cheers!!!

Venom of an artifact

Series of difficulties of an under prepared mind that was occupied by the desire to get things done before doing.  Destiny was questioned time and again and the joyous of days are mourned by scary visionless future-less reality. After all, the boundaries are meant to be broken, when they stand still, the future stops and spits!!

That was the state of mind for all these 90 days, the difference between the last two blogs. Some precious moments, the only tears of the last two decade on the 2^nd of April, the first model of the dream home, the few family outings were indeed special. But, most part of the time it was reality succumbed to frustrations. Fight for the understanding of what the future holds all over again. How true the wannabe factor just conquers the unique you and leaves you somewhere you do not belong. 

This is not something new that nobody has came across, nothing new that I did not capture in my writings so far. This is a cumulative effect of everything, the resultant of frustrations, the outcome of obnoxiousness and the parent of all disasters in the making. The remedy is just not simple and the key is yet to be invented. I just couldn’t resist myself from writing this now, hoping for a medicine to my growing common disease, Greed, the reason for all these happenings.

It all started before 7 years, I was on my third year of engineering, a raw, average built, healthy body and an uncluttered unused mind sitting on my class room watching mates introducing themselves to the new lecturer, introducing with their goals in life. If there was one place on earth where the word mischievous was living, it was in my classroom. The intention was to make the class laugh especially the two pretty chicks for almost every guy.

Few poor jokes, few average jokes were driving the excitement until the most serious person of the class stood up and said ‘I want to be a doctor madam’ on a serious note. (of course we named him doctor after that). Damn, he made those two chicks laugh, laugh at the top of their voice, well, I have heard that when a serious person smiles, it means a lot. He pulled a rabbit out of his hat. Oh well, leave it Ganesh your turn is on the way, don’t you try something smart and spoil your reputation, he has already done it and you just can’t override the humor now, it’s all done, I told myself.

 Tell something, you must have a goal, tell that. After all everyone has one. Tell yours. My turn has come; I’m still setting my goal. Hmmm, well, business, software engineer, movie making, acting or even teaching what not? I like all these trades so what to select? hmmm, the whole class is watching, there should be an answer, come on, what’s your goal? Yes, business, heroes generally do business, I said business. What business? now the next question, well, what, textiles, plastic molding (something that my dad does), no no restaurants I love eating and have a good taste, oh no that’s boring, I will start a music troop, I will learn music from tomorrow, may be they will laugh if I say this, now tell them something and sit, the entire class is looking at you. I called my dad’s business for rescue.

That incident got registered in mind; I very well knew that I couldn’t do plastic molding. I know my future is not that, so then what is it? Now I don’t have to answer anybody, there isn’t a class starring at me, I could think what I really want, I have ample time though I couldn’t waste much of it thinking.

That’s the first time I started facing this brutal reality. May be I like so many things, maybe I have multiple goals to choose one from the lot, I have to select something that is sensible, I have to go with it the entire life. This is the future, this is the goal, this is everything I’m gonna see from now.

Like many other class mates, middle-class mates, I ended up choosing an engineer’s life, being a software engineer. The day greed identified me as a right person to live in. Greed catches anybody who decides what he is gonna do for the living, Greed catches people the moment they start to earn. Until then it doesn’t disturb you. Whatever my choice would have been, business or any damn thing, which would have still remained the day Greed acquired me.

Not sure how many felt this way, there were days when 10000 Rs looked like a real dream job in the market and I wanted to earn something around that. Often thought what will I do if I get that, what all I could do, well a color mobile, I could recharge for 1000 bucks a month, that’s awesome I could talk for long hours. I can watch movies on all weekends and be an out and out spendthrift and still save something. I was not so bad at mathematics, all these looked very possible and those days were not long ago, they are still wet.

The first salary was a lot more than what I dreamt of and yes I have every right to be the happiest man on earth rather I was not. My friends earned a K or 2 more and that was the first question greed posted on mind. Is he better than you? Well, this is not enough you must earn more, more and more. This is one factor if not the only one that demanded me to start working more, develop skills, prove something, have a vision and forced me to grow as day progressed.

The small seed has now grown up into trees, now I feel it is forcing me too much. It let me ask and expect too much of myself. It has convinced me so very much that I’m very capable of anything that lets my heart and soul work and wander, and wander and work and achieve what it demands somehow. Yes, somehow. The immediate next thing would be in the making and now I have to fight from the moment it gets ready.

More the number of people loves you, more the expectation the world has on you the more you will expect from yourself. Nowadays when I walk over the street when I see so many tall buildings I regret not being a business man. Leave that, when I see some peaceful people out there, I regret not getting into teaching, when I see the fame, money and living that a sportsperson or an artist gets I regret not choosing those fields.

The greed has now transformed into something else, it is coming up with many questions, is he that good to earn all these perks he has got in the society? Aren’t you capable of this if given a chance? Aren’t you a hard worker? Then is that fortune the only thing that decides an individual’s life or has my chance not yet arrived and I still have to wait but be ready?

I’m tired, I need peace, I just couldn’t expect anything more of myself and can’t let anybody expect anything of me. I’m greedy. My greed is developing day by day, when I see an Audi over the road, the greed is awake and starts to ask questions again. I’m sick, tired I need peace, and I don’t need this greed.

Oh no, wait, I don’t think I could I march anywhere leaving the greed aside. I think yes, I need that but at what levels, now I’m confused. I need that no I don’t, I’m very confused.

I don’t know how many of the people out there have this state of mind, this could be temporary, and a success next day could change things upside down. I still don’t get what this life is all about, what that drives us, where we wanna end up and what I should do, but one way I’m happy, my greediness is still honest. It hasn’t asked me any questions to think other ways to go and get all it demands at the cost of mistakes, it still forces things to happen being myself but with some extra bit of force that mind is not ready for at times.

When I see the greediness in the country I’m more confused. When I heard the spectrum issue I just couldn’t measure the threshold levels of the greediness of my countrymen. After all for a few thousand bucks many are staying away from their family. They pay taxes on their hard earned money and an individual’s greed is walloping the entire nation’s future, so many people’s today. I don’t understand what it is all about. At least now I have a reason to be proud of my greed for being gentle.

Wish we find the key soon, use the greed at some levels to leave a place when we are no more but definitely not at the cost of pushing too much and chasing the ‘no more’ anymore.

Have a great day folks. !!

Aaromaley – An interesting life!!

2 am, a so fresh Sunday morning or a sleepless Saturday night a few categorize, 4 more hours for Sunday morning cricket. I, right from my child hood have been a part of this Sunday cricket. Except for my close to two years stay away from Chennai this has been my routine. The restless week before demanded some afternoon rest that I couldn't sleep now. That’s fine; I have 4 hours and a reason to pen down the first blog of the year.

It is extremely hard to write or even think about something thing that is not actually on the mind. I have to win over my conscious and sub conscious together that has got completely occupied by a thought, a feel and a desire. This piece of writing will stay as something special as I do not know how this challenge will be to compete my mind with Will. Fingers crossed on the outcome. !!

Friday evening 7 15, almost the entire office was working. With a little surprise, I started packing my stuffs to catch the 7 30 shuttle.  Well, it is a weekend, what the hell you are still doing in front of this monitor I asked couple of my friends. They did not have any priority issues or not even a necessity to stay couple more hours to save India from the next economic crisis. Then why on earth you guys still here?? One replied, what will I do after going home? Let me stay. That’s fantastic; I started walking towards the bus depot. 

Slowly the bus seats started feeling heavy, the clutch got gently released. What am I doing tonight? May be a movie?? Oh no, I almost watched all the movies running, nothing is worth enough for second time then what else? Few more options and its pros and corns kept me busy for the next few minutes until I felt that bus was moving so slowly for a Friday evening.

The feel that I need to sit for 90 more minutes to reach home and do any damn plan I finalize frustrated me like hell. Just couple of seconds, I almost abused all the authorities behind this SEZ plans and their innovative ideas to screw our lives in all 5 directions by keeping all the offices a minimum 30km away from city. Okay close your eyes, the one next to me taught how to deal with these frustrations, wait a minute, not just him, the one behind me, the one beside him, in front of him, next to the one in front of him, everyone, almost everyone was sleeping.  Thank god at least the driver was awake!!!

Yes I come every single morning seeing them sleep and go home seeing them sleep. I asked one of my friends about his weekend plan, he said I will sleep. No activities? I asked him, he said, dude, it has been more than a half a dozen of years since I did some. I get very tired in the weekdays that I sleep all weekend and yes I might watch a movie or two he said with eyes wide open. That’s cool dude, at least you manage to go out and have some fun I said, at least this. He laughed and said I have a laptop why will I go out. He laughed again. That’s fantastic again. Not just him, for me he represented a bunch of people who exactly does what he has been doing.

I decided my very close Tea shop for this Friday night. This is my let out, my relaxation and one of my favorite places in the world. The person I met in the office was all over my mind that I kept wondering what is happiness according to him. How could he live with absolutely no special interests in life apart from work? Is he super passionate about the work he is doing that he lost interest in every other thing? Certainly not, I have heard him say that ‘damn it the work, it sucks’, then why? I kept thinking until my friend gave me a cup of Tea to break the silence.

We started discussing on the one I met; this person has my complete respect as he is the one among the lot I know who is passionately chasing his dreams. At least you are going for it mate, we have lost it in the way. Situations have invaded out passions very badly that lot of us doesn't really know what we are up to. Many of us don’t really remember what we wanted and what we are chasing. All we have is a comfortable today and an arguable better tomorrow that’s it. We lost our passion before we actually had one. Yes, 5 out of 10 want to become a cricketer, 3 in the movies and the rest doesn't have one to go behind. When many have no serious passion other than this, this clumsiness in achieving it is expected. Isn’t it? 

He said it has been 10 long years since I’m behind this, 10 years is too long for any dream to go for, I did not sacrifice anything for anyone which is guilty. It is too late to even think about changing anything now. Now I’m left with nothing but chasing it. I know I’m close to living it but the pain I’m coming across is nothing in front of whatever I’m gonna achieve. This is difficult.

True, maybe we have lost our passions in the mid way, maybe we have got the situations that ruined what we wanted to become, maybe we did not find the right path or guidance, maybe we might have achieved something big with a ‘if’ clause somewhere. But this doesn’t stop us from living our interest. Passion, we can leave it for now, but, interests?? Is it that complicated to live our interest? Do situations have to do anything about that? Can’t we get satisfied by at least living our own small interests? Why all of a sudden we let our laziness demand and command what we should be interested in?

I know few of my friends, who are excellent artists, many good singers, few exceptionally good dancers and some naturally talented athletes and cricketers, what happened to them the moment they started working? Is the artist, singer, dancer or athlete die when they get their first salary? Why aren’t we living our interests? Is somebody’s interest is just play stations? Isn’t that an interest controlled by laziness? Do we really do some activity that our heart and soul can together cherish it for some moment. Can’t we at least dedicate these weekends to live our very own interest?

Not sure how many Sundays we all still have, if we are lucky maybe a 1500 or may be a 100 or 200 more if you are luckier? Why is that they all going in vain? Aren’t we gonna regret on the very last weekend of our lives? Questions are plenty.

With these questions put in front of you all, I heard mom talking from her room, dint you sleep all night? I said yes mom I did, I just got up. Time is nearing 6. She is up to give me a cup of coffee and biscuits. She never lets me go with empty stomach. I remember telling her not to do a 1000 times, never succeeded. She does it again and again and again. Now I get to know that it’s her interest. She is winning over her laziness to go for her interest. Why should I stop? I would not from now.

I started feeling drowsy, I have two choices, go and sleep or go with my interest; I know what I will choose. If not for this I might have chose to sleep 4 hours ago. Yes, I’m living my little interests that are satisfying me and trying to find some meaning for my weekends. I now respect my interests; my beloved interests that are the only remedy for my lost passion whenever I think it is lost. Aaromaley.. !!

Wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day in advance. 

Between, the feel, the thought and the desire will remain a secret. That’s fantastic. !!!