When the tears are out!

I have a weakness. Not that I recently discovered it, of late I started realizing I’m quite abnormal with the way I react to tears. When someone cries, when I see tears, I hide myself out. At least I would make an Ostrich right there with my vision closed. Apparently, that’s not what I want to do when I see myself as a mentally strong person, or at least someone who tries to be one. 

Saturday afternoon, I was waiting at the Toronto subway station to visit the hairstylist. I was excited; I always wanted a professional designer to do my hair, but did not have the luxury and the readiness to do it in Chennai. I decided it’s time and booked an appointment previous evening. I’m very particular about my hair and beard; to me a millimeter extra cut on my sideburn is enough to push into depression for a couple of days. So, I had every reason to be excited.

A girl breezed her entry walking from the stairs with the noise from her wooden boots echoing an otherwise empty station, walked pass me and stood next to me. Of course, the very thought of a pretty girl right next did increase my excitement but was overshadowed by a tinge of dismay that had it happened on the way back. The train arrived before I carried my thoughts any deeper.

The compartment hardly had people in it. I couldn’t believe my starts as she sat right opposite to me. I started looking at her at regular intervals to notice with my every look her color changed, from red to reddish to bloody red only to hit my peanut brain that she was crying. I cursed myself for being there as I sensed a sudden downfall on my excitement.

Few minutes later, in the next station, an old Chinese couple got into our compartment and took the right side corner seat. They were too old to be categorized just old; a handshake would be merely enough to crush them. They kept on talking something that I could not understand a bit. They talked, laughed, talked and laughed again then they grabbed each other’s hands and continued talking. The attention moved from the crying girl to the old couple.

The old woman who looked the younger of the two whispered on the old man’s ear and they laughed again. It looked beautiful to see them kiss, left me smiling. I did not realize that I was gazing at a romance mostly we tend to ignore.

I often come across couples’ romance in the train and when that happens really close to me, cleaning one nail with the other or seeing the advertisement hoardings around helped me appear normal. I even wondered during my initial days on why the companies don’t have cross culture training on how to act here. However, I felt soft after the back to back happenings.

We four got down at the same station. I then reached the hair salon and met the stylist. The stylist had a scissor that he said costs more than a second hand Toyota Camry, Japanese handmade that is as good as a mini sword, sharper than anything I could imagine. Whenever someone speaks about sharpness, I could only imagine the compass nailed during my school days, to me nothing on earth could be sharper than that. I became softer thinking of that pain. I closed my eyes on the cushion after discussing what to cut, what to leave and where to have what; leaving my head to someone I don’t know a bit. 

The train incidents were waiting for my eyes to close.  Why was she crying? Must be a problem with her relationship, why are relationships so painful, maybe not, might be a problem with her family? A loss of someone or is someone close to her sick? What if had I went and asked her, she might have looked at me like an idiot or even called police? Maybe, but, isn’t that wrong to leave a place when someone is crying? That’s ok, enough, started realizing that my stupidity was widening.

Then the old couple occupied my thoughts. How are they so happy even after so many years? How could they manage to have this much of love still left? How many do I know share the same level of intimacy even after these many years? Haven’t they faced any issues anytime? Must be a combination of countless sacrifices, understanding, trust, respect and some unconditional love on top keeps them where they are.  It was heartwarming to even think of it, started thinking of few other things I could not mention here and felt some moisture on my eyes before the stylist shook my shoulders.

It’s over sir, he said and I opened my eyes to see the mirror. Felt like someone pulled me back to earth from nowhere, the moisture then transformed into drops. 

I have a weakness. Apparently, that’s not what I want to do when I see myself as a mentally strong person, or at least someone who tries to be one. 

Thanks for your time. Have a great day folks!

A Monsoon Day

A quintessential Monday morning, the phone's mechanism trying to wake me up with its ascending decibels reached my ears when it was half through. After two days of being in bliss Monday is perhaps the day you wake up from the best dream of the week, at times it is like literally pulling you out of a dream that you wanted to last for a lifetime and that’s the reason why most of us mourn about it all day; the reason behind the blues. Exactly my state when my eyes were half open searching for the phone. The digital display said it is quarter past 6, my god, already, and a message waiting at the inbox. Good night text sent by a buddy at 2 am. Understandable!

At 7 am packed my bag and left home to catch the office bus. A 5 min walk from where I live. It started drizzling the moment I reached the bus stand. Had to wait there for few more minutes for the office bus, they usually don't come on time, either early or late but never on time. I don't think I'm an incessant complainer, they are not on time is a fact that could pester anybody so why not me?

When it rains, when the skin is cold when the things around you look water washed and the leaves that appear with extra pigments you tend to enjoy it a bit and start to give an extra look irrespective of the complaints you have, everyone becomes an observer at that point. At the end of the platform there was a boy awaiting his school bus, a gang of college students pushing their fellow mate in a small pond and an old man protecting his bald head with a polythene cover rushing home with a milk bag in his hand. Sort of regular happenings you could see in a bus stand on a rainy day. My bus arrived and as always enough empty seats to occupy a window seat.

I love getting drenched in rain but I hate it to the core when it abandons a cricket match or when I’m stuck up in a heavy traffic or the 'kolak-bolak' in the shoes that often the Chennai roads offer for every brief pouring.  But the joy of hearing the thunders, seeing the lightning in the dark sky, the sound of rain hitting the ground with full force and the aroma it produces when it blends with the soil initially could never be appalling.

An hour to go to office, I was not interested to plug-in the headphones and bang my head rather I was completely glued on to the early morning scenes, kinda lost somewhere in the nostalgias. The drizzle then transformed into a heavy rain, I closed the seat window but my mind remained open. The memories that were travelling faster the velocity of light from somewhere covered me completely.  

Those were my school days where rain on a weekday is the happiest happening on earth. Dad usually asks me to take leave when it rains. That too when a cricket match is going on and dad asking you to bunk classes, nothing can better it. Certain days I even wondered whether it is possible to go few feet above the ground level and start pouring water around my house from a filter until my dad is convinced. I wished there was a possibility for that!

I was not a pampered child or the one that was monitored all the time by parents. I’m usually not asked questions, never in fact. I always had the liberty to do all I want and do them the way I want. Perhaps, the reason behind how I created a fascinating bond with rain, when most of the kids hid away from it, I enjoyed every drop of it.

College days monsoon is a package of memories, the cricket match we played where we the batting team urged to score the runs before it could get heavy and how much hurt we were when it denied us an easy victory, the footboard heroics that our college mates do with enormous skill in the slippery bus steps, the way it acted as a savior to postpone a semester exam which could have easily been an arrear were cruising along.

Few minutes later, the bus stopped at a Tollgate. The viper was in full swing and it somehow resembled most of us sitting inside with every 180, doing the same work over and over again. I looked around if there’s someone who was lost in the memories or creating one; to my surprise about half the crowd was talking on the phone in nil volume, hard to understand how they are actually converted to 0s and 1s when there is absolutely no data. Few of them were lucky enough to continue their dream of life and very few were looking here and there like me. I couldn’t guess what was going on their mind, if only they could write a blog on that.

8 AM, wondered if we got into a river by chance, the stagnant water made our bus look like a boat and every driver became a captain without training. We sailed for the next 15 minutes and there we entered the destination. Rain stopped right then and yet another week started all over again.

Have a great week folks.

Discotheque

That was a long queue; my friend shook my shoulders and yelled at me for eating up an hour to get ready. It was freezing out there; my other two friends joined him and accused me. When the woolen jackets and the thermal wears were facing their toughest task ever, my plain black T shirt inside a not so heavy sweater increased their anger exponentially. I never felt too much cold for reasons I don’t know.

 Forget it guys, we are here at least, and we will enter in few minutes, or after all this is not the last day of our lives. Calm down, I said and started looking at the ‘beauties’ of the nature. It was so lively; the crowd started roaring from outside when the 10 dB of black eyed peas’ ‘Tonight’s gonna be a good good night’ leaked out of the arena which of course added fuel to the flame.

Queue started moving gently, and we were getting closer to the most happening spot. Our turn was about to come and guys looked nervous. The last thing they could hear was to wait for some more time from the securities in the minus 20 degrees killer weather. Finally things went their way and they got in but I could not. I did not carry my passport to prove that I’m above 18 in spite of being told by my friends, the regular visitors of this place. The security guy did not allow me in. Damn it, I’m 24, do I look like someone who is below 18? I cut the damn it part and asked the 7 ft tall wrestler like security head. Policy sir, pardon me was his answer on the manliest tone one would have ever heard.

Okay guys you carry on, anyways I’m not very interested, I would go home I said. Before I even completed my sentence one of my friend was already in. I was about to start, suddenly the humongous security came to me and said it is ok sir, get in. Dude, you are Jesus Christ; I said and joined the other two.

Out of nowhere, a lady caught my hand and tied a Rakhi like band. Rakhi? Will I ever grow; I laughed at myself the moment that thought crossed my mind. I started feeling something else, the fragrance, how could someone explain it? Hmmm it must be kinda mix of strawberry essence, some sprays of Elizabeth Arden on the pretty chick showing her hand next to me for her Rakhi, added with few over flown Coronas and split lemonades somewhere nearby and some very costly air freshener which for sure must be the smell of heaven if it even exists.  The sweetness soothed into every two atoms of Oxygen. I got carried away.

So there I was in a discotheque arena for the very first time of my life. May be I should be ashamed as having born and brought up in a Metro Politian city like Chennai, having studied engineering there, having worked in one of the most happening places on earth Bangalore, I have never been to a discotheque.  My principles, ‘rotten’ principles as my close friend call them, did not let me to be a part of these places all those days. Now things have changed, the new place and the anxiety to explore few new things overrode the principles under some principles.

There they are dancing for some song that I hardly heard any lyrics. It was too loud. The Bass levels were terrible and the Treble levels were just out of audibility. It must be ‘Bose’ I told the one next to me. Aah damn your acoustic research, enjoy the beats mean, nodded his head for the rhythm. Not bad not bad. Situation started getting on to me.  Everyone started dancing as if something went into their clothes.

Our guys started some heavy movements to grasp the attention of four desi babes that looked at us once in a while. At the other side, the competition was heavier, local Canadian groups, a French speaking group, few Chinese and some guys from Middle East danced like hell to get applause from the diversified lot.  Our guys were busy impressing the babes. I was like a lost child in the middle. I could not dance, last time when I danced in front a mirror I almost lost my own respect. So I had to be stubborn to escape shame which I did, accompanied myself with a drink and took the best view to watch all these dramas.

Couple of hours later, I felt I could not bear the beats anymore, heart started pumping vigorously and 70 would have easily risen up to 140. Head was banging and I realized I could not stand there for one more minute. The most courageous or shameless of the three not sure how to categorize, asked those girls for a dance but could not get through. Poor fellas lets start before the bouncers throw us out, I called them and we started from the place. In a totally unconvinced irritated tone told them don’t you guys ever call me here again; we reached home at 3 in the morning. Way back home I wondered what’s in this? What on earth makes these guys die for this? It sucks!!

One week later, it was 10 in the night and I was alone waiting at the bus stop to go to Ottawa downtown wearing the newly bought Black casual Jacket.  I did not notice how my Passport got into it and how my legs were rehearsing the steps I learnt over the last 7 days.

It is Saturday in Chennai today; it has been more than a year and half since I became shameless and all I could say today is ‘Discotheques in Chennai are not that good’.

Cheers!!!

Venom of an artifact

Series of difficulties of an under prepared mind that was occupied by the desire to get things done before doing.  Destiny was questioned time and again and the joyous of days are mourned by scary visionless future-less reality. After all, the boundaries are meant to be broken, when they stand still, the future stops and spits!!

That was the state of mind for all these 90 days, the difference between the last two blogs. Some precious moments, the only tears of the last two decade on the 2^nd of April, the first model of the dream home, the few family outings were indeed special. But, most part of the time it was reality succumbed to frustrations. Fight for the understanding of what the future holds all over again. How true the wannabe factor just conquers the unique you and leaves you somewhere you do not belong. 

This is not something new that nobody has came across, nothing new that I did not capture in my writings so far. This is a cumulative effect of everything, the resultant of frustrations, the outcome of obnoxiousness and the parent of all disasters in the making. The remedy is just not simple and the key is yet to be invented. I just couldn’t resist myself from writing this now, hoping for a medicine to my growing common disease, Greed, the reason for all these happenings.

It all started before 7 years, I was on my third year of engineering, a raw, average built, healthy body and an uncluttered unused mind sitting on my class room watching mates introducing themselves to the new lecturer, introducing with their goals in life. If there was one place on earth where the word mischievous was living, it was in my classroom. The intention was to make the class laugh especially the two pretty chicks for almost every guy.

Few poor jokes, few average jokes were driving the excitement until the most serious person of the class stood up and said ‘I want to be a doctor madam’ on a serious note. (of course we named him doctor after that). Damn, he made those two chicks laugh, laugh at the top of their voice, well, I have heard that when a serious person smiles, it means a lot. He pulled a rabbit out of his hat. Oh well, leave it Ganesh your turn is on the way, don’t you try something smart and spoil your reputation, he has already done it and you just can’t override the humor now, it’s all done, I told myself.

 Tell something, you must have a goal, tell that. After all everyone has one. Tell yours. My turn has come; I’m still setting my goal. Hmmm, well, business, software engineer, movie making, acting or even teaching what not? I like all these trades so what to select? hmmm, the whole class is watching, there should be an answer, come on, what’s your goal? Yes, business, heroes generally do business, I said business. What business? now the next question, well, what, textiles, plastic molding (something that my dad does), no no restaurants I love eating and have a good taste, oh no that’s boring, I will start a music troop, I will learn music from tomorrow, may be they will laugh if I say this, now tell them something and sit, the entire class is looking at you. I called my dad’s business for rescue.

That incident got registered in mind; I very well knew that I couldn’t do plastic molding. I know my future is not that, so then what is it? Now I don’t have to answer anybody, there isn’t a class starring at me, I could think what I really want, I have ample time though I couldn’t waste much of it thinking.

That’s the first time I started facing this brutal reality. May be I like so many things, maybe I have multiple goals to choose one from the lot, I have to select something that is sensible, I have to go with it the entire life. This is the future, this is the goal, this is everything I’m gonna see from now.

Like many other class mates, middle-class mates, I ended up choosing an engineer’s life, being a software engineer. The day greed identified me as a right person to live in. Greed catches anybody who decides what he is gonna do for the living, Greed catches people the moment they start to earn. Until then it doesn’t disturb you. Whatever my choice would have been, business or any damn thing, which would have still remained the day Greed acquired me.

Not sure how many felt this way, there were days when 10000 Rs looked like a real dream job in the market and I wanted to earn something around that. Often thought what will I do if I get that, what all I could do, well a color mobile, I could recharge for 1000 bucks a month, that’s awesome I could talk for long hours. I can watch movies on all weekends and be an out and out spendthrift and still save something. I was not so bad at mathematics, all these looked very possible and those days were not long ago, they are still wet.

The first salary was a lot more than what I dreamt of and yes I have every right to be the happiest man on earth rather I was not. My friends earned a K or 2 more and that was the first question greed posted on mind. Is he better than you? Well, this is not enough you must earn more, more and more. This is one factor if not the only one that demanded me to start working more, develop skills, prove something, have a vision and forced me to grow as day progressed.

The small seed has now grown up into trees, now I feel it is forcing me too much. It let me ask and expect too much of myself. It has convinced me so very much that I’m very capable of anything that lets my heart and soul work and wander, and wander and work and achieve what it demands somehow. Yes, somehow. The immediate next thing would be in the making and now I have to fight from the moment it gets ready.

More the number of people loves you, more the expectation the world has on you the more you will expect from yourself. Nowadays when I walk over the street when I see so many tall buildings I regret not being a business man. Leave that, when I see some peaceful people out there, I regret not getting into teaching, when I see the fame, money and living that a sportsperson or an artist gets I regret not choosing those fields.

The greed has now transformed into something else, it is coming up with many questions, is he that good to earn all these perks he has got in the society? Aren’t you capable of this if given a chance? Aren’t you a hard worker? Then is that fortune the only thing that decides an individual’s life or has my chance not yet arrived and I still have to wait but be ready?

I’m tired, I need peace, I just couldn’t expect anything more of myself and can’t let anybody expect anything of me. I’m greedy. My greed is developing day by day, when I see an Audi over the road, the greed is awake and starts to ask questions again. I’m sick, tired I need peace, and I don’t need this greed.

Oh no, wait, I don’t think I could I march anywhere leaving the greed aside. I think yes, I need that but at what levels, now I’m confused. I need that no I don’t, I’m very confused.

I don’t know how many of the people out there have this state of mind, this could be temporary, and a success next day could change things upside down. I still don’t get what this life is all about, what that drives us, where we wanna end up and what I should do, but one way I’m happy, my greediness is still honest. It hasn’t asked me any questions to think other ways to go and get all it demands at the cost of mistakes, it still forces things to happen being myself but with some extra bit of force that mind is not ready for at times.

When I see the greediness in the country I’m more confused. When I heard the spectrum issue I just couldn’t measure the threshold levels of the greediness of my countrymen. After all for a few thousand bucks many are staying away from their family. They pay taxes on their hard earned money and an individual’s greed is walloping the entire nation’s future, so many people’s today. I don’t understand what it is all about. At least now I have a reason to be proud of my greed for being gentle.

Wish we find the key soon, use the greed at some levels to leave a place when we are no more but definitely not at the cost of pushing too much and chasing the ‘no more’ anymore.

Have a great day folks. !!

Aaromaley – An interesting life!!

2 am, a so fresh Sunday morning or a sleepless Saturday night a few categorize, 4 more hours for Sunday morning cricket. I, right from my child hood have been a part of this Sunday cricket. Except for my close to two years stay away from Chennai this has been my routine. The restless week before demanded some afternoon rest that I couldn't sleep now. That’s fine; I have 4 hours and a reason to pen down the first blog of the year.

It is extremely hard to write or even think about something thing that is not actually on the mind. I have to win over my conscious and sub conscious together that has got completely occupied by a thought, a feel and a desire. This piece of writing will stay as something special as I do not know how this challenge will be to compete my mind with Will. Fingers crossed on the outcome. !!

Friday evening 7 15, almost the entire office was working. With a little surprise, I started packing my stuffs to catch the 7 30 shuttle.  Well, it is a weekend, what the hell you are still doing in front of this monitor I asked couple of my friends. They did not have any priority issues or not even a necessity to stay couple more hours to save India from the next economic crisis. Then why on earth you guys still here?? One replied, what will I do after going home? Let me stay. That’s fantastic; I started walking towards the bus depot. 

Slowly the bus seats started feeling heavy, the clutch got gently released. What am I doing tonight? May be a movie?? Oh no, I almost watched all the movies running, nothing is worth enough for second time then what else? Few more options and its pros and corns kept me busy for the next few minutes until I felt that bus was moving so slowly for a Friday evening.

The feel that I need to sit for 90 more minutes to reach home and do any damn plan I finalize frustrated me like hell. Just couple of seconds, I almost abused all the authorities behind this SEZ plans and their innovative ideas to screw our lives in all 5 directions by keeping all the offices a minimum 30km away from city. Okay close your eyes, the one next to me taught how to deal with these frustrations, wait a minute, not just him, the one behind me, the one beside him, in front of him, next to the one in front of him, everyone, almost everyone was sleeping.  Thank god at least the driver was awake!!!

Yes I come every single morning seeing them sleep and go home seeing them sleep. I asked one of my friends about his weekend plan, he said I will sleep. No activities? I asked him, he said, dude, it has been more than a half a dozen of years since I did some. I get very tired in the weekdays that I sleep all weekend and yes I might watch a movie or two he said with eyes wide open. That’s cool dude, at least you manage to go out and have some fun I said, at least this. He laughed and said I have a laptop why will I go out. He laughed again. That’s fantastic again. Not just him, for me he represented a bunch of people who exactly does what he has been doing.

I decided my very close Tea shop for this Friday night. This is my let out, my relaxation and one of my favorite places in the world. The person I met in the office was all over my mind that I kept wondering what is happiness according to him. How could he live with absolutely no special interests in life apart from work? Is he super passionate about the work he is doing that he lost interest in every other thing? Certainly not, I have heard him say that ‘damn it the work, it sucks’, then why? I kept thinking until my friend gave me a cup of Tea to break the silence.

We started discussing on the one I met; this person has my complete respect as he is the one among the lot I know who is passionately chasing his dreams. At least you are going for it mate, we have lost it in the way. Situations have invaded out passions very badly that lot of us doesn't really know what we are up to. Many of us don’t really remember what we wanted and what we are chasing. All we have is a comfortable today and an arguable better tomorrow that’s it. We lost our passion before we actually had one. Yes, 5 out of 10 want to become a cricketer, 3 in the movies and the rest doesn't have one to go behind. When many have no serious passion other than this, this clumsiness in achieving it is expected. Isn’t it? 

He said it has been 10 long years since I’m behind this, 10 years is too long for any dream to go for, I did not sacrifice anything for anyone which is guilty. It is too late to even think about changing anything now. Now I’m left with nothing but chasing it. I know I’m close to living it but the pain I’m coming across is nothing in front of whatever I’m gonna achieve. This is difficult.

True, maybe we have lost our passions in the mid way, maybe we have got the situations that ruined what we wanted to become, maybe we did not find the right path or guidance, maybe we might have achieved something big with a ‘if’ clause somewhere. But this doesn’t stop us from living our interest. Passion, we can leave it for now, but, interests?? Is it that complicated to live our interest? Do situations have to do anything about that? Can’t we get satisfied by at least living our own small interests? Why all of a sudden we let our laziness demand and command what we should be interested in?

I know few of my friends, who are excellent artists, many good singers, few exceptionally good dancers and some naturally talented athletes and cricketers, what happened to them the moment they started working? Is the artist, singer, dancer or athlete die when they get their first salary? Why aren’t we living our interests? Is somebody’s interest is just play stations? Isn’t that an interest controlled by laziness? Do we really do some activity that our heart and soul can together cherish it for some moment. Can’t we at least dedicate these weekends to live our very own interest?

Not sure how many Sundays we all still have, if we are lucky maybe a 1500 or may be a 100 or 200 more if you are luckier? Why is that they all going in vain? Aren’t we gonna regret on the very last weekend of our lives? Questions are plenty.

With these questions put in front of you all, I heard mom talking from her room, dint you sleep all night? I said yes mom I did, I just got up. Time is nearing 6. She is up to give me a cup of coffee and biscuits. She never lets me go with empty stomach. I remember telling her not to do a 1000 times, never succeeded. She does it again and again and again. Now I get to know that it’s her interest. She is winning over her laziness to go for her interest. Why should I stop? I would not from now.

I started feeling drowsy, I have two choices, go and sleep or go with my interest; I know what I will choose. If not for this I might have chose to sleep 4 hours ago. Yes, I’m living my little interests that are satisfying me and trying to find some meaning for my weekends. I now respect my interests; my beloved interests that are the only remedy for my lost passion whenever I think it is lost. Aaromaley.. !!

Wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day in advance. 

Between, the feel, the thought and the desire will remain a secret. That’s fantastic. !!!

Pride and Peace.

Not the cinematic experience rather nothing was felt when I saw the changes in the city through the window of the Red Scorpio. The new tall buildings, the widened roads, the fully functioning 'kathipara' flyover which was just stones and cement when I boarded my first flight and even the 5 inches waist improvement of my friend hardly had any impact on me. 

A question that probably did not made me feel excited about anything and that didn't give the usual 'my answers' to the questions of my buddies who waited at the airport for more than 4 hours. Thanks to the Belgium fog that made me realize the worth of friendship yet again. The thinking lasted for days until few hours ago and here I'm in front of the open office with an answer. So, what was eating my head? That’s the blog is about.

I felt like a blank piece of paper and a vacuum space was developing from deep inside when I finished all the packing for the morning flight and hit my bed for one last time. I did not get sleep; the soul was wandering somewhere that I had absolutely no control. I then stood at my balcony and saw the first snow for few minutes, then kept on staring at my laptop for some more time, nothing was getting me back. 5 more hours to leave Canada, the place that took wonderful care of me for nearly 19 months. I forced myself to sleep and only eyes did.

Here I'm in Chennai after around 2 days of this restless search of something finally reached which was once my den, my kingdom. Not just I, anybody who has born and brought up in a place have this very own feeling. I'm everything here. I was finally back, was I? Not really.

Nothing changed except my age, oh yes my hair style is not the same, so as my body mass but is there some useful thing that could really have any significant impact on the longer run of life? Nothing, absolutely nothing I concluded the moment I reached home from the airport, disappointed, I was expecting some magic that could turn the tide of my life and take me to the next level of the already happier life. After all one is not staying away from his caring family and friends just for the sake of money, there is something else we expect along with it and when you realize that you have got that, there is achievement. I was missing that.

More than a week of jetlag, and the tongue that was almost westernized was getting used to this very own yet new place. I was more disappointed that I could find my courage missing when I drove the bike at the streets, I was unusually careful that my friends laughed at. I wasn’t able to cross the busy roads in minutes that once I crossed in seconds. To my surprise I was obeying traffic rules here. Be an Indian when you are in India. Be fearless, be carefree, god is with you along with the thousands of share autos in the city. Find your courage else be your mom’s kid, I stayed home with frustration.

Hmmm, well I developed nothing and I have lost my very own Chennaite attitude. The Tea shop where I belonged so much, where one has to stand with all the presence of mind and sense of humor in the world to avoid any glimpses of teasing/humiliation from the not so educated yet the most entertaining ‘typical’ guys of the society welcomed my arrival. It’s been ages since someone did that to me, I was mouth shut and I had no pace to defend me or attack them with a counter. It was not just pulling my legs it was pushing me to the corners. Disappointment grew though I knew that these things are subject to change in a matter of time, I was afraid whether they will.

The parent frustration that I have learnt nothing and the child frustrations that I have lost many simple yet essential things made me feel heavy, heavy that I couldn’t add anymore frustration even if I wish.

With all these questions challenging the intention behind my vacation, I heard someone knocking the door. The HP printer come scanner I ordered in the morning was in for delivery. I didn’t know something else was to be delivered along with it.

There entered a sweating man in formal attire trying to explain the features of the printer and its rocket science mechanism. Yes, he was just trying. He was yet another person who honestly believed from his whole heart that only English can fetch him respect. He did not even bother to talk in the local language even when I talked in it few times. May be not his fault, the management might have this funda of attracting customers with English. Not anything against English, as I’m writing this blog I should not say that.

A little deviated from the intended content of the blog, but it has become a must touch somewhere in my writings to register my protest against this rapidly growing unpleasant communicators. You talk in Tamil or Hindi or English or even in Mandarin as long as you can convey what you want to. No language is good enough to seek you the things you want, communication is just communication and definitely not self respect. I will stop it here, the next few lines are unwritten, probably few will see them, may be someone will even hear or listen.

The person kinda finished explaining the stuffs and I have almost forgotten why he is even here by then. I offered him a coffee then and had a conversation that I always do when I have a coffee in hand, anything to drink for that matter.

Dude, it’s boiling outside, how do you manage with a formal fully buttoned shirt, omg, tie as well and this mirror like shoes, don’t you feel pissed off? I couldn’t imagine myself in your shoes just for a minute, how do you manage? Yes, finally he settled down a bit and started talking sorry communicating. Finally!!

Yes sir, it is difficult. I have to attend around 10 places for 10 different products a day and I have a two wheeler to travel. Yes, it is difficult to drive when it is this hot, but I have to do this, it’s my job. Like any other individual I was interested in knowing his salary, not to embarrass him for any reason, just my interest towards where my society is did not let me to stop asking that. He said 7000 plus petrol allowances.

I said in mind, dude, how do you afford a girl friend? City has become so costly that we earn in rupees and spend in dollars as one of my friend said. True, it is difficult or impossible to run a life that could satisfy the primary essential needs of a family with what he is getting.

I couldn’t come out of it for sometime, a degree holder driving 100s of kilometers a day under red hot sun with all the things in the world to frustrate him and somehow should manage, deal and try to communicate with customers under his company’s communication norms. I wished I was in a position to offer him a job that moment like we see in movies. He finished his coffee and started wearing his socks, dude, forget your shoes, I can’t imagine myself being in your socks for a moment, again I said in mind. I thanked god that moment that may be I’m not in a position to help him out but at least I could feel sorry for him.

Not just him, the society has so many people that we generally do not notice.  I’m not listing the number of people who are under our levels and compare our lives with them. After all this isn't a thing that happened to us overnight. Yes, we are the reasons for what we are; there are some blessings, some level of hard work, some talent, some faith and some sacrifices and some unknown thing behind every person who is successful.

Success, it is always a relative term and here in this case many of us are successful that has plenty of reasons behind. But, I definitely have no reason to carry my frustrations any further beyond this point. When I always have this search of something, a need to learn things everywhere when will I enjoy my present state, my current success, who will celebrate my self pride and when will I be in peace?

It’s in us, within us, we must enjoy our pride and be in peace. But, mind it very carefully that you are very close to the over confident reckless state, still I recommend to take the risk to walk on this wall, a wall that is made of pride and peace. I felt it, he made me feel it.

I felt like I’m out of my worries all of a sudden and searched for my bike key. Dad from his room, Ganesh, your bike brake is not functioning, don’t take it, I said I will manage dad, not to worry. I’m on the roads now with thorough courage and entered the tea shop. Ten minutes from then, two of my friends said, Damn it, he is back. Am I? This time, yes I’m.

Thanks for your time folks. Advance merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Redemption…

Blog 6, this number was the initial target I had in mind when I started blogging 6 months back. I very well knew what I’m goanna write now right from the time I started to share things here. I’m pretty bad at following a routine and there are quite a bit of instances that happened, not this time. I managed to come here, thanks to people for the motivation. 

Sep 4^th 2010. I’m now a 25 year old. If I traverse all the way back and forth and check out the highlights, lowlights and insights of my not so many years lived yet lived, not so detailed yet briefed, not so challenged yet motivated, no so achieved yet competed, not so impressive yet interesting life I should say I’m some what happy. Now, I’m walking through my days of the so called ordinary life that might not interest the readers but still a personal choice that was chosen months ago I have to go with it.

Now why ordinary? What is an ordinary life? Why I repeatedly use this word ordinary? What is ordinary?

I as many others believe in God, I go to him when I want something and abuse him when I don’t get that. I even doubted his existence many a times, when the power turned off at the crucial moment of few cricket matches, when I got rejected in a technical interview, when I flunked in one of my well written exam, when I got suspended, when few things that are now good but not when it happened and in many other occasions I doubted his existence. But end of the day I always had the belief in super natural power and depended way too much on that. Does that make me ordinary? Yeah, kind of, but not really!

The two siblings of ordinary Mr. Very Ordinary and Mr. Extra Ordinary are clear, the threshold for these levels is visible, but this, the hero ordinary, what is the factor that determines it? Not just me, most of my friends, family and my fellow Indians remain ordinary. Perhaps, we prefer to be ordinary all the time. What keeps us to be happy about living an ordinary life? Enough of puzzling, let us together figure it out right now, right here, we need some one’s life to mark few points and connect them to see how an ordinary life looks, let it be mine, a perfect ordinary.

Years ago, I was too young to remember the exact year; I stole a pack of bread from a shop. Like many scoundrels the country has seen, I also began (I never followed) it with a pack of bread, not for the same reason, but I don’t know why I did that. Not an immediate reaction, in some time, after many days I remembered that, something reminded me that. The stories that the eyes will be snatched by the almighty when people get into immoral activates scared me like hell. It pushed me to the corners with Guilt. Regardless to say you are afraid only when you are guilty. I was guilt and I couldn’t come out of it. It took me many days to forget that, the more the TV channels showed about thieves, the more I went to ashrams and temples that taught us what are good and what not, I was thrown to the dead ends of being guilty. I started praying God many times, so many hours a day to get me out of it. I lost my little peace for so many days.

I grew up a little, I was out of that guilt, and started being guilty for being guilty for a damn pack of bread. Anyways that was not longer, I had another immediate reason to fall into bigger guilt. I cut my school went to a movie with my friend when I was 11 year old. I wanted to tell my parents about it,  felt like a piece of shit, festivals were no more fun and every time I went to theater with my family I didn’t enjoy. I was guilt as well as afraid that my father will kill me when he comes to know, I finally managed to come out of that too. But I again lost my little peace for a brief time.

People, who have never been guilty, can’t really understand what that the above lines mean. May be there won’t be many who don’t understand, probably there won’t be any who had never been guilty.

Whenever I get myself out of guilt, I had the next reason waiting. Older I became, heavier the incidents to push me into guilt. It doesn’t really mean when you are guilt you don’t enjoy, you don’t indulge yourself into happiness or fun. Things would go very normally as easy as it goes in a guilt free life when people are around; things would start to hurt when you are alone, only when you are alone. The time that is really important for anybody for the transformation of an ordinary being to an extra ordinary usually get so much occupied with this guilty consciousness.

This is not the right place for those bigger reasons or even a place to share them all and start confessing, after all the intention is not to say the world that my life is transparent. Everybody should be ashamed of their negatives, so do I. I exactly know how it sounds in a hi-tech life that we live now, if I say I was guilt for no reasons. PS3s, iPhones and Laptops certainly changed our lives a lot, but now the point is one might not get Guilty for the same reason. There are plenty of different reasons and I could still say many of us, we ordinaries are guilty. In other words, we are ordinary because we are guilty for one reason or the other.

The beginning of an extra ordinary is being happy with what you are, finding the peace all the time, and understanding, analyzing and knowing you completely and still falling in love with thyself. That doesn’t really end, now this is just the beginning. Yeah, I’m ready to begin my extra ordinary life but what will I do to my existing guilts? If you have a question, the coming magical words did wonders for me. ‘I did it because I wanted it. Now it is not right and I’m not doing it anymore’.

Next, coming to what is called as the known problem, what that defines we are, a vital knot which would even cost our lives even if we think about touching with aggression. That is being a citizen, patriotism and things related to Geography. Yet another place where we remain ordinary since 1947; I understand we were Very ordinary before that. As long as I talk only about my rights and forget my duties I remain an ordinary. I’m not very bothered if the politicians for whom I voted corrupt my country. If I read something about them in the newspapers, if I get to know they have looted my countries wealth I don’t even react. But I get over excited, over patriotic when a cricketer gets caught in match fixing. My patriotism and my care about the society are just associated with cricket so I remain an ordinary. I represent my society, a society full of ordinaries.

I don’t have the courage to change the evil which is not shameful but I fail to even think about it which is, which is an attribute of an ordinary. May be my guilt, the things that made me feel inferior about myself is a reason for that, something that has convinced even myself that I could do nothing. I could do nothing because I’m an ordinary.

All the ones who did so many good things for the needy are ordinary if they had a reason to do that. There are so many ways of getting out of one’s guilt and doing good things is one such way. If you try to find peace with what you do you are ordinary. If you live for a smaller circle you are ordinary.

Every person is given a list of options to decide your life by the almighty. They altogether form the same number for any human being and the choice is left to you. With whatever brain you have you select the features of your life and bring that number when you are born. There are no regrets here, you live what you wanted. For the atheists out there, the theory is simple. Refine your everyday thinking, father of Physics called it science. You will end up finding peace, happiness and everything else you want.

Yes, I always liked something or the other feature from someone, few are good looking, few are brilliant, few are both and few appear excellent all the time. But if I think about living some one else’s life, if I still get a chance to add more features I could see none. No one’s life has impressed me so much that I would love living theirs. I can easily be happy being myself and only be happy being myself. So be it any theory, atheism or godliness I live what I opted, I opted what I really wanted. I have no big complaints except that my nose could have been little smaller. And no big unachievable wishes except that my laziness vanishes off all of a sudden.

So living in peace, getting out of your guilts, being a citizen (again it is a geographical term, I would say a citizen is one who is good to all), understanding my duties, not that I can change the society in no time as all our Action hero does, but contribute something that could impact significantly are the actions that can carry an ordinary to the path of an Extra ordinary. The walk towards next level, is that enough to live as an extra ordinary? Not enough. But this is will certainly take you close to the destination.

We ordinaries become extra ordinary when it comes to challenges. Many have done miracles when challenged, but we failed to understand that the biggest challenge that we are facing is being happy with what we have, being what we are. Many of them already lost this without knowing that they have been challenged and many of us are still losing this challenge every single day.

These 25 years, I’m now sick of an ordinary life. I now need a redesign; I now don’t ask the super powers to take me out of my guilt, to make me extra ordinary. I’m challenged but provided with enough weapons to win this challenge, win this war. The redemption is over, now the next phase of life starts, the challenge to be an extra ordinary individual and an extra ordinary citizen is on. 

Living is what you live when you are no more, the challenge is accepted. Unfortunately nobody is prefect, but fortunately any body can be extra ordinary. I want to be an extra ordinary and represent a society of extra ordinaries with enormous proud.

Now the tales of an extra ordinary begins. The stage is set, the show begins….

Thanks for your time folks, Have an extra ordinary day.